out of time. Mum at end stage.

[GaryE]

I have been to a lot of funerals over the years, and for a total music freak, I can only remember one funeral song. Most people are distracted at funerals, and dealing with their emotions. I think a lot of musical choices float by unprocessed.

Choosing becomes a source of anxiety, but it's hard to do it badly. I'm personally going to leave a playlist behind to save people trouble. By then, if people don't 100% approve, I won't be able to get into trouble for it!

 

[JuiceBox52]

Are your fish okay, @AdoraBelle Dearheart? I just wanted to check on your fish and seeing they're doing allright at the moment.

Her fish are the least of her troubles right now

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

I can't sleep. When I do, I have anxiety dreams and nightmares, so sitting up, tired, but struggling to make myself lie down and sleep, when I know there's a good chance I'll wake from some vivid anxiety dream.

Minor thing to complain about, not really complaining, just observing I guess. Doc is gonna prescribe some melatonin, see if it helps.

 

[jaylach]

I can't sleep. When I do, I have anxiety dreams and nightmares, so sitting up, tired, but struggling to make myself lie down and sleep, when I know there's a good chance I'll wake from some vivid anxiety dream.

Minor thing to complain about, not really complaining, just observing I guess. Doc is gonna prescribe some melatonin, see if it helps.

Not minor at all. Mayhaps some over the counter melatonin may help as a safe sleep aid.... I don't know if it is available in the UK...

 

[Alice B]

sounds like things are moving alone - and do file a complaint against that first funeral home. Bunch of schnooks. Take care of yourself. I leave the radio when i go to bed if my mind is chasing in circles.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

Not minor at all. Mayhaps some over the counter melatonin may help as a safe sleep aid.... I don't know if it is available in the UK...

Thank you! I'm not sure whether it is available over the counter here, should think so? But since I've been having to speak to my doc a lot lately anyway, and he was sending a prescription through for other things like the diazepam, and said that melotonin was indeed something we naturally produce, won't interact with the meds I'm currently on, and is worth trying, along with doing more relaxing things before bed like soaking in the bath as I have been, should hopefully help me get back into a more natural sleep cycle.

I'm naturally more of a night owl, but I do feel better and more productive when I get up and stay up at 6-7am. That's the time I get up because it's when my dog needs breakfast/up to pee. While caring for mum, I'd begin my day then too. Let the dog out and put the kettle on, check on mum while the dog was outside in the back garden, help her when her bloods were low or she needed help going to the bathroom, then once she was comfortable and okay, I would feed the dog and make my first coffee. Relax and try to wake up a bit over first coffee, take second coffee with me while I had a shower, before mum was really bad and I had time to shower, but by the time I'd had my second coffee, I'd be awake and starting my day of laundry, housework, caring for mum and animals, and got a lot done in the morning.

But lately, with mum no longer here, really cold and icy mornings, then we upped my antidepressants again just to trial it, but just like the last time, they made me really tired and zombified, so I was sleeping more, but still having nightmares. Since we're trying to save money on heating too, I've only been using the heating in my room rarely, for an hour or so, then turn it off again, so just for chilly mornings or cold nights, Pix and I would snuggle under the blankets, and I use hot water bottles. Getting cosy like that after feeding Pixie and letting her go pee, I'd make coffee and a hot water bottle, snuggle up, then fall asleep again and waste the morning.

I've also been sleeping on a single bed in my parents spare downstairs junk room. It was just meant for when I visited, back when I had my own flat, so I didn't worry to much about comfort of it. Have a king size duvet and blankets so I can cocoon! Plus blankets that Pixie snuggles under or lets me wrap around her. Sharing a single bed with a medium sized dog isn't always easy, but we've been managing, and it was hardly a priority. I do miss the king size bed I had in my own place though!


In the long term, I plan to move into the master bedroom. But I'm not ready yet. I can't yet.

So, since the sleep thing was becoming an issue for me, for my productivity, we've adjusted my antidepressant down my 50mg again, which has already helped, and since the single mattress I and Pixie were sharing was ancient, with broken springs, and had become so uncomfortable, I bought a second hand single mattress and foam topper from Gumtree last week.

Feels a bit weird buying second hand, but money is super tight now, and no way I could afford a new one. It was from their guest room so not heavily used, in great condition, and I have mattress protectors anyway, and bedbegs aren't common over here either. I gave it a good look and a hoover when I got it, and it really is much more comfortable. For both me and the Pixie pup.

sounds like things are moving alone - and do file a complaint against that first funeral home. Bunch of schnooks. Take care of yourself. I leave the radio when i go to bed if my mind is chasing in circles.

Thanks hon! I'm gonna wait and see what happens on Tuesday, when they said they'd contact me again, and hold off on filing the complaint at least until I've got the names of the people who called me on the 27th, or which one is responsible for this account, and I've spoken to the banks and other funeral directors. I have time, and getting things sorted for the funeral and keeping myself sane has to come first, but I'm definitely leaning towards making a complaint, once I'm ready, have gathered evidence, and feel strong enough to cope with it!

I really should get myself lost in a book, or have soft music playing, rather than spending time in front of a screen. Since I was a kid, I always ready a book in bed until I'd fall asleep with the book in my hand. I guess getting lost in another world like that means my mind isn't running in circles about all the tasks I need to accomplish, or the pain of the losses I've just gone through.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

A theme we want for mum's funeral, is that she is now reunited with dad. It's what she believed, she and I talked about it many times after her diagnosis, and in her last days.

It often happens with an elderly couple who have spent a lifetime together, that when one passes, the other soon follows. I'd hoped for more time with mum... there never seems to be enough time, no matter what, but it comforts me to think that they've been reunited now. She also whispered to me on the day before she passed that they'd both be watching over and loving us, forever.

If anyone has any ideas for poems, readings, scriptures... anything that I might read at the service that you think might be nice, I'd really appreciate it.

 

[jaylach]

A theme we want for mum's funeral, is that she is now reunited with dad. It's what she believed, she and I talked about it many times after her diagnosis, and in her last days.

It often happens with an elderly couple who have spent a lifetime together, that when one passes, the other soon follows. I'd hoped for more time with mum... there never seems to be enough time, no matter what, but it comforts me to think that they've been reunited now. She also whispered to me on the day before she passed that they'd both be watching over and loving us, forever.

If anyone has any ideas for poems, readings, scriptures... anything that I might read at the service that you think might be nice, I'd really appreciate it.

I doubt that you would want to use but a bit of prose I long ago wrote may actually fit what it seems that you want. If you like feel totally free to use. What follows is not exactly the original as I made some changes to better fit.

Flight of Eagles

It is a misty night and the intersection is shrouded in mist.

I am filled with trepidation at the thought of meeting you again. I wander about the intersection awaiting your arrival. I freeze in mid step as I see a shape approach. I knew that it must be you. My throat feels constricted as I watch you approach, my hands tremble. The closer you come the clearer the world appears. As you near, your hand extended, the world begins to change.

Your finger tips meet mine and the world stops. I look down amazed as I do not see a hand. I see a wing tip and the same for what should have been mine. My world turns upside down. The land of the Earth is no longer my realm. My world becomes the heavens.

As we touch we take flight and soar through the heavens. We speak, but not in words, we speak a language of concepts and ideas. We speak of life forever together.

We flow as though part of the heavens, as if we are pure elements of the universe. We are free of all restraints. We fly over a pond and I truly see us for the first time. I do not see souls restricted by gravity but rather eagles flying free. We fly over leas and glens with total abandon. I spot a rabbit but am no threat; my sole awareness resides within you.​

In a heartbeat this flight becomes my total world. We soar through the currents of space and time as though we were the center of the universe. We meld as one together.

The handshake ends and the intersection is no longer shrouded in mist. We walk arm in arm to our destination.

 

[Alice B]

some books are like old friends. You know how they end but they can be very soothing. I read tolkien's every 15 years or so, very calming

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

I doubt that you would want to use but a bit of prose I long ago wrote may actually fit what it seems that you want. If you like feel totally free to use. What follows is not exactly the original as I made some changes to better fit.

Flight of Eagles

It is a misty night and the intersection is shrouded in mist.

I am filled with trepidation at the thought of meeting you again. I wander about the intersection awaiting your arrival. I freeze in mid step as I see a shape approach. I knew that it must be you. My throat feels constricted as I watch you approach, my hands tremble. The closer you come the clearer the world appears. As you near, your hand extended, the world begins to change.

Your finger tips meet mine and the world stops. I look down amazed as I do not see a hand. I see a wing tip and the same for what should have been mine. My world turns upside down. The land of the Earth is no longer my realm. My world becomes the heavens.

As we touch we take flight and soar through the heavens. We speak, but not in words, we speak a language of concepts and ideas. We speak of life forever together.

We flow as though part of the heavens, as if we are pure elements of the universe. We are free of all restraints. We fly over a pond and I truly see us for the first time. I do not see souls restricted by gravity but rather eagles flying free. We fly over leas and glens with total abandon. I spot a rabbit but am no threat; my sole awareness resides within you.​

In a heartbeat this flight becomes my total world. We soar through the currents of space and time as though we were the center of the universe. We meld as one together.

The handshake ends and the intersection is no longer shrouded in mist. We walk arm in arm to our destination.

Wow! Whether I use it or not (and thank you, both for sharing, and for the permission to use it!) this is really beautiful! I love it. Thank you so much for sharing it!

 

[jaylach]

Wow! Whether I use it or not (and thank you, both for sharing, and for the permission to use it!) this is really beautiful! I love it. Thank you so much for sharing it!

No worries and thank you for the compliments. Actually what purpose does anything written as art have but to be shared? I used to write quite a bit many years ago but, sadly, what I posted... well the original of what I posted... is all I still have as I lost all my writings. The only reason I have this one is that it was always my favorite and knew it well enough to rewrite. The original is about meeting your soulmate but I also did a bit of a rewrite to make it about meeting and coming to terms with yourself.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

I have to make a decision soon about whether to apply for letters of administration so I handle the probate for my parents myself, or whether to hire a solicitor service to do it, like the £6,500 quote I received.

Part of me really wants to try to do it myself, because that above quote is a big chunk of my parents savings, and when I think of how many hours they must have worked to save up that amount, I feel guilty at the thought of blowing it, just to save myself some hassle.

On the other hand, this is a pretty scary responsibility, I have a lot of my own paperwork and nightmares to navigate too, and I don't have a solid grasp on the whole process yet. However, there are guides out there, CAB, the St Peter's Social Work Team, and even the banks and tax office can be really helpful. So perhaps I just need to talk to people from those institutions first, then decide. And surely it's just a case of getting organised, and plugging away at it, a day at a time.

But I now have invoices for the remaining balance on dad's funeral, and an invoice for mum's (just shy of £5,000, as predicted), but the funeral director noted that banks will usually only pay one funeral home.

Since mum and dad had accounts with different banks, I may be able to work it that way, or perhaps dad's bank that has his account, plus their joint account, can settle the bill for dad's funeral from HIS estate, then the joint account would automatically go into mum's name only, and her funeral costs could come out of that, since it would now be her estate. I'll need to call the banks bereavement helpline in the morning. They were super helpful before.

I talked to brother, asked what he thought, would he be okay with/trust me to do it, or whether he thought we should hire a probate service. He basically said it's up to me, he doesn't want me to have more hassle and stress, and said he just doesn't want to add to my plate and have me struggle under the burden. I said that it would be a hassle, but we're gonna have hassle anyway, and I haven't lost my mind up to this point, so I'm not gonna lose it now.


On the other hand, I got the impression that he does want me to, since the probate service is so expensive, and he certainly doesn't want to be responsible for it, and frankly, I couldn't just leave it in his hands anyway, knowing he'll procrastinate and get really overwhelmed.

I'll sleep on it, if I can sleep tonight, and see what I think after talking to the banks and hopefully CAB tomorrow.

 

[Naughts]

And surely it's just a case of getting organised, and plugging away at it, a day at a time.

Exactly this.
I dealt with my in laws estate as executor for their will and after work each day I would spend an hour or two making phone calls, dealing with correspondence and making lists. I’ve never done accounting before but I just balanced the lists showing what was owed, paid, left - until every penny was traced, logged and totalled. It took 6 months from starting the process to getting through probate and paying the benefactors.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

Exactly this.
I dealt with my in laws estate as executor for their will and after work each day I would spend an hour or two making phone calls, dealing with correspondence and making lists. I’ve never done accounting before but I just balanced the lists showing what was owed, paid, left - until every penny was traced, logged and totalled. It took 6 months from starting the process to getting through probate and paying the benefactors.

OMG, Thank you!!

Do you have any tips for getting organised better?? I'd appreciate any advice around this at all, at this point! Everything I try to do, I seem to find another thing I need to do first, before I can do the previous thing, and it's getting really confusing and frustrating!

 

[Essjay]

Not for being better organised, but to remember - if any money was held in an account which pays interest, it doesn't matter what the balance is now, it's what it was on the day your mother died. So for example, an account where interest is added on 31 December, that interest is not counted when applying for probate. Or if interest is added when the account is closed. It's what was in the account at the date of death that needs to be entered on the forms.