I always wonder, how miserable a person do you have to be to treat people who have lost a loved one that way? One time when Mrs. Badger was in the hospital for a long, life-threatening, extremely painful illness, she had a nurse who was being very short and grouchy (not to mention incompetent). I finally took her aside and told her, "Ma'am, I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but I can assure you my wife is having an even worse day. Please be nice."
Yep. I can only guess the one I dealt with was dealing with something horrible in her own personal life... same with nurses. Most wonderful, some terrible and should have their licence to practice removed, and some are complex human beings having a bad day, and may well feel remorse later, and are going through something really hard in their own personal life, but have to work through it.
But whether going through anything in their personal lives or not, nurses can't and shouldn't treat a patient like that. Ever. You did exactly the right thing as a family member by stepping in and protecting your wife, and I hope that nurse stepping away and had someone else take over?
I'm also fiercely protective when it comes to vulnerability. Elderly people, children, vulnerable adults, animals - it takes a special kind of evil to mistreat people or creatures that can't fight back, aren't on an equal footing, and stories like the above make me angry.
I was protective over my parents too. For the last 2-3 years of dad's life he had leg ulcers that refused to heal due to poor circulation in that limb. Before he broke his hip aged 83, he'd walk to the surgery and back twice a week to have them washed and redressed.
After he broke his hip, district nurses needed to come to the house to wash and dress them, and the frequency would vary depending on how they were, or weren't, healing, so sometimes up to 3-4 times a week a nurse would come to the house. My dad was an endearing old man, got on well with most people, and the nurses were wonderful, most enjoying talking to him/nagging him in that stern but nice way some nurses have, and generally being lovely. We always offered a drink, tea/coffee etc too, and thanked them for their work.
All but one nurse. One visit. It had been about a year since he broke his hip, and he was a proud, active, independent man his whole life. Always walked, breaking his hip and having to rehab after a hip replacement in order to regain his mobility was hard for him, and he worked really, really hard at pushing himself further and further, harder and harder, because he wanted to be able to join me walking Pixie in the park across the street.
Stopping him from over-doing it was the problem, not pushing him. He got used to using zimmerframes, and eventually graduated to a rollator for outdoor use, which he was desperate for after months in the house. He did very well for a man of his age, the physio commented that him being an active man in good shape for his age likely made that difference. Within a week of the op he was home, and able to do the (steep and narrow) stairs at home, and use a zimmerframe on each floor to move around the house independently, we already had strong bannisters and some grab handles around the house from when my mum had spinal surgery like a decade ago.
His first few trips outside, my bro and I both insisted we be with him, and no sneaking out without one of us. uneven pavement was more of a challenge, and he tired more quickly than he used to, but he insisted on making it to the first lampost and back, and he did it! He was so excited. He did that daily with one of us with him, and built up to walking to the next lampost, extending his distance and stamina gradually.
Eventually, he did make it to the park with us. The park is literally across the street, so only involves waking a short distance down our street, crossing the road, entering the park entrance, which has wide, smooth, disability friendly paths, and reaching the first, very close bench, where he then sat and enjoyed watching Pixie and I as I walked her around, and she ran around off-lead etc, then I'd meet him back at the bench to walk home together. He got to see all the dog-walking neighbours and friends he's known for years, and their dogs, that know well he always had dog treats in his pocket!
It was wonderful for the three of us, and I treasure those memories. His next goals were to walk a bit further when he could manage it, and reach the next bench, and he managed that on the 2nd and 3rd times he came with me. He happened to mention this to this one nurse, and she began to berate him, saying that if he's mobile now, he doesn't need nurses to come to the house anymore. He tried to explain that he's only just regaining some mobility, was only able to do short bursts nearby, the surgery is much further away, we didn't have a car, and he hadn't been able to get into a car yet anyway, since the height difference and bending like that was difficult for him.
She didn't listen, raised her voice, and raised her voice loudly enough and angrily enough for me to hear her from upstairs! I came to the hallway to listen, and heard her berating him, her angry tone, raised voice, my mum trying to speak to intervene, in a weak and polite voice, and this woman basically shout at her, repeating her own points about how he should be going to the surgery, how in demand they are and short staffed etc, and mobile patients shouldn't be using district nurse services.
I came into the room and saw my dad- my usually nice and friendly, or stoic, strong or stern - on the verge of tears. I only saw that man cry maybe three times in my lifetime before then, so for him to be on the verge of tears was huge- clearly furious and upset, my mum visibly shaken, her mind wasn't as sharp as it was previously, and she was really vulnerable, and I demanded of the nurse to know what was going on.
Once she saw another adult who wasn't vulnerable, her volume dropped instantly. I was usually occupied doing household chores when the district nurses came, since they can't give appointment times precisely, but I usually never had to worry about leaving mum and dad alone with them in the living room! So maybe she hadn't realised I was in the house before she decided to take her temper out on an elderly, vulnerable and disabled couple.
I said that I'd heard her voice from the other side of the house, that this wasn't okay, and she wasn't my father's doctor, nor the head community nurse. That we had never had a problem with a nurse before, and could she finish dressing my father's leg, and then leave. She did, tried to protest somewhat about the surgery thing again, that she'd only been trying to explain, but I ignored her and asked dad if he was okay, who was trying to compose himself and just looked away, put my arm protectively around him and watched while she finished dressing his leg, then comforted mum, and the nurse hurriedly finished and left.
Mum and dad were so upset by it. Dad was saying he just wouldn't bother about his legs, and they could stop coming. Needed some time to calm down, but I think he was relieved I came in when I did. Mum was distressed too, kept saying that she'd never heard a nurse act that way before, and that she didn't let dad explain or defend himself, and wouldn't listen to her, either, when she tried to explain what dad's physio and doctors had said.
I did call the district nurse team and find out if that was true, if because he'd managed to go outside and across the road, he now counted as "too mobile" for the district nurse team to continue his care? After checking with his doctor too. And also said how unprofessionally the nurse that day had acted, how badly she'd upset my parents, but also how unusual that was. That in the years nurses had been coming to the house, we'd never had a single complaint, they'd all been lovely, and we didn't make complaints for no reason, and often praised and thanked the nurses and medical teams... but that she had crossed a line in her manner. That we didn't want to lodge formal complaints or anything, but that she needed to be talked to at least, because it really had been bad. Also put mum on the phone so she could say what happened from her point of view, before I'd come in the room.
They called back later that same day, apologising, saying that dad absolutely qualified for district nurse services due to his frailty and still very limited mobility, and that the nurse from that morning had admitted that she'd been unprofessional and that they'd absolutely respect our request that that particular nurse not come to the house again.
But that was a single nurse out of so, so many, and hopefully it was just a bad day for her, and she learned from it. The only times my mama bear comes out is when looking out for others really. Protecting parents, my pets, my loved ones. But that's the same for everyone really, isn't it? Well, most normal, decent folk anyway!
It sounds like overall people are being helpful, though. That's good. I'm sorry if you already said this, but when is the funeral? I bet it will be good to get that done and on with life. Hang in there, friend.
Funeral is 12th February.
Dad passed February 7th of 2023.
Thank you, I'm still hanging in there!
I do appreciate that about him, he can be helpful in many ways, just have to ask. 
