out of time. Mum at end stage.

[Colin_T]

If you can't decide on an urn now, leave it for a few months and do it then. There's no rules saying you have to have an urn now or a double urn.

As for the bs about the daily charge. Write to the company and keep copies of that letter and everything you do with them, including phone calls (who you talked to, when you called them, what you spoke about). Try and avoid phone calls to them if you can and keep everything on paper or email. That way it's harder for them to say we discussed it on the phone and told her this but in reality they didn't tell you this. If it's on paper (or email) it's a bit harder for them to deny or lie.

Contact the funeral ombudsman or whoever it is and file a formal complaint against the company saying they never mentioned a daily fee for holding the body. Make reference to the rude and abrupt call from one of the staff and the fact they wouldn't let you talk to the nice staff member who you had worked with before.

I'm pretty sure there's a law saying the funeral company must care for a body they have received indefinitely, until certain arrangements have been made. If it's a John or Jane Doe and nobody is claiming them, then they can get rid of the body sooner. But when they have been called and collected a body, they have to take care of it. I'm not sure of the exact details but it should be something like that.

Just try to get the bank to pay for your Dad. Get your Mum done at the new place because they sound like a decent mob, they certainly sound more honest. Get her cremated and put in a box and wait until you can afford, find or feel ready to get the urn.

----------------------

As for anger and crying, I still cry over Chloe and Lousie and they died in 2011. I still feel a great deal of hostility and anger towards the council who poisoned Louise and the hospital where she caught the drug resistant bacterial infection. I also still hold a great deal of rage, anger and hostility toward the driver who killed Debbie in 1988. If I ever see any of these people again, I will end up in prison for murdering them.

You will hate and cry and grieve for months, probably years. As time goes by you cry less and start to get on with life. After many years you will forget what they look like and remember the good things about them. It takes time and lots of it. Just try to do one thing at a time, live life one day at a time and keep going. If you don't, you will end up losing the plot or dying from a broken heart.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

If you can't decide on an urn now, leave it for a few months and do it then. There's no rules saying you have to have an urn now or a double urn.

Thank you! You've given me so much emotional support and practical advice. Especially given your own losses and how painful it must be to bring it all back up again while trying to help me through this.

I appreciate it so much. But also want you to take care of yourself, and not read this thread if you're not feeling up to it. I promise, I'll be okay either way. I'm emotionally sensitive, easily sent into emotional meltdown, but there's an inner core of solid steel that I discover whenever I've needed to. Nothing has taken me down do far, and this won't either.

As for the bs about the daily charge. Write to the company and keep copies of that letter and everything you do with them, including phone calls (who you talked to, when you called them, what you spoke about). Try and avoid phone calls to them if you can and keep everything on paper or email. That way it's harder for them to say we discussed it on the phone and told her this but in reality they didn't tell you this. If it's on paper (or email) it's a bit harder for them to deny or lie.

Contact the funeral ombudsman or whoever it is and file a formal complaint against the company saying they never mentioned a daily fee for holding the body. Make reference to the rude and abrupt call from one of the staff and the fact they wouldn't let you talk to the nice staff member who you had worked with before.

You're right, I'll switch over to email for all this. I'm waiting on a call from my GP today (don't have a time for a telephone appointment, but I know he'll call), and in the meantime sorting and organising lists in priority order, and will spend the weekend looking after myself and the pets, working on re-arranging and deep cleaning the house in preparation for the wake, making last plans and decisions with the family I need to contact, and then hit the business stuff fresh on Monday!

I'm pretty sure there's a law saying the funeral company must care for a body they have received indefinitely, until certain arrangements have been made. If it's a John or Jane Doe and nobody is claiming them, then they can get rid of the body sooner. But when they have been called and collected a body, they have to take care of it. I'm not sure of the exact details but it should be something like that.

Yep, they do have to take the body and store it until another place can take over/arrangements have been made, but apparently there is usually a charge for it, but usually rolled into the other funeral costs, and this daily charge thing, not to mention the amount and letting it rack up without telling us, seems much more weak, morally and legally. We shall see.

On the phone she was quick to say they'd waive the daily charges, and seemed genuine about investigating the way this has all been handled... but we shall see, and I won't hesitate to go to the Association and start filing formal complaints and contesting the costs if they don't resolve it properly, and quickly.

Just try to get the bank to pay for your Dad. Get your Mum done at the new place because they sound like a decent mob, they certainly sound more honest. Get her cremated and put in a box and wait until you can afford, find or feel ready to get the urn.

The urns from the funeral companies are either pretty basic, or expensive and for individuals, but I've found an urn on Etsy that's handmade, for two people, has birds on it so would suit my parents, and would be engraved with their names.

I doubt I can get the banks to pay for that directly, but there will be some caregivers grants coming through to us within four weeks, so we'll get it then. The co-op will look after both of their ashes until we're ready, so there's no rush.

As for anger and crying, I still cry over Chloe and Lousie and they died in 2011. I still feel a great deal of hostility and anger towards the council who poisoned Louise and the hospital where she caught the drug resistant bacterial infection. I also still hold a great deal of rage, anger and hostility toward the driver who killed Debbie in 1988. If I ever see any of these people again, I will end up in prison for murdering them.

I can't blame you at all. I can't even imagine the scale of your grief, and I'm so incredibly sorry for your losses. At least for me, it's a part of the natural order of things. My folks were elderly, had decent deaths, and it's natural for a child to bury their parents. But I'm sure everyone agrees that there's no pain like a parent having to bury their children. All I can say is that my heart goes out to you, I absolutely understand your anger and what you would do if you saw those people again.

And if you did? I for one would be your pen pal and put money on your books!!

If you don't, you will end up losing the plot or dying from a broken heart.

This is what I was afraid of. That I lost the plot once before, and was scared I would again. But I didn't. I got through that time when I did lose the plot, somehow, and I'm getting through this too. Not perfectly, not without wobbling, but no one is expected to handle everything in their stride while grieving, plus having to sort out all the practical and legal matters, without a lot of outside help.

But that inner core of steel is still there, and I'm very aware of it today, which is why I felt fine with challenging that previous funeral home, rather than melting to bits and just accepting it.

I made two promises to my dad on his deathbed. That I'd look after mum, and that I'd get better. Recover from my depression and engage with life again, not give up on myself. I hope I fulfilled that first promise, I certainly did everything I could to, and now I'm working on the second one, and feeling determined. I want to honour their memories, and they certainly had the qualities I need to draw on now in order to push through.


Before mum became more frail and started having memory problems, she was super organised, and on top of things like paperwork, appointments, managing and balancing bills etc. I learnt a lot from her, and I used to be a lot more organised and on top of things too. I can be again, and I will.

Dad was stoic as they come, would do anything for his family, and was always strong and capable, resourceful - like teaching himself basic carpentry and DIY so he could build his own garden fencing, aviaries, ponds etc. I can do that too, and draw on his strength.

Both were loving in their own ways, intelligent, nature loving people, who only wanted us to be happy. They'd want me to make sure my brother and I are both alright, and I want to honour that too, for all of our sakes.

Dad had confided in me years ago, when I'd asked about them making wills, that they hadn't, and since they didn't have a huge amount in savings, that we shouldn't have to pay inheritance tax on whatever was left. He'd said that we'd both inherit the house equally, and what we did with it was up to us. I did say they should probably make wills, but not to worry about savings etc or our inheritance, whatever it was, that they should spend whatever they have making sure they both had what they needed and were comfortable in their old age. They worked hard to save that money after all, and Sam and I could figure out our own financial situations without worrying about their savings. They deserved to be comfortable in their retirement! Dad was always reluctant to spend any money on himself.

But back then, he confided in me that he knew a lot of it would fall on me to sort out. That while he loves my brother, and didn't know or understand exactly what his issues were; that I'd lived independently and paid my own bills, flew the next at 16 etc, and that I was more capable of figuring all this stuff out, and that my bro could be financially irresponsible, so I'd need to take the lead on getting it all sorted and settled.

He knew back then, years ago, that this is how it would turn out, and he was right. So I'm trying to let go of any anger or resentment towards my brother for not naturally being able to take charge of at least some things, or the things he dropped the ball on, that I've then had to take over and sort out. It is what it is, he is trying at least, and I appreciate that. But have to accept that I'm going to have to take the lead and deal with the majority of it, and accepting that while giving him specific instructions on how to help is going to more productive and get us further, than hanging onto any of that anger or resentment. I can do it. One day at a time, one headache at a time!

Doc called just now, and when discussing applying for PIP benefits, said not to worry about it, make the application, the department for work and pensions would contact him for medical evidence, and that "I'll fight on your behalf". He's my GP, has been speaking to me almost weekly for months now, and is brilliant, so I'm really glad that he's in my corner. It makes such a difference, since all the rest flows from there. That was really reassuring and encouraging.

 

[Colin_T]

Sounds like things are going in the right direction. You are doing things and keeping the ball moving along and that is all you can do. You cared for your Mum and Dad so you can tick that off the worry list. It's just a matter of sorting out the paperwork and stuff that gives you a headache when dealing with government departments and sorting out the funeral company. Then just try to get back into a routine and go from there. Your doctor sounds like a good guy too, so you have help there when you need it.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

always followed by a pint of Ben&Jerry's (Phish food flavour, obviously)

It's very very rare that I buy ice cream, but when I do, it's that one! I have some in the freezer, in fact. You have good taste in ice cream. I know the joke is because we're fish hobbyists, but it's genuinely really nice ice cream! You have excellent taste.

Sounds like things are going in the right direction. You are doing things and keeping the ball moving along and that is all you can do. You cared for your Mum and Dad so you can tick that off the worry list. It's just a matter of sorting out the paperwork and stuff that gives you a headache when dealing with government departments and sorting out the funeral company. Then just try to get back into a routine and go from there. Your doctor sounds like a good guy too, so you have help there when you need it.

Thank you! Nothing else for it but to plough forward. It'll all get sorted in the end somehow, and I think I'm getting an handle on it.

After speaking to the doc, I've made the application for PIP, which I was dreading and putting off, but his encouragement and backing helped me make that call.

He really is a great doctor. I chose him because he was dad's doctor first, so I spoke with him a few times on dad's behalf, he was brilliant then, genuinely empathetic and quick to help. Then when I was ready to begin trying to work on my own mental health issues again, I happened to be assigned to him for one of my phone appointments regarding adjusting anti-depressants, and recognising my surname, even months after dad's passing, he said he remembered my dad and what a good man he was, and how sorry he was to hear he'd passed.

Doctors surgery's here used to always have a family GP, like one GP you'd always go to, so they knew your history and got to know you well, you develop trust and the patient is more likely to listen to and be compliant with a GP they know and trust. On the one hand, this is a great practice in ensuring continuity of care, but GP practices lately due to budget cuts often won't give appointments in advance to let you book with your usual GP. You have to call in the morning as soon as they open, join the queue, and hope to get an appointment that day, with any GP who has an opening. Or book an appointment weeks away with whichever GP has a gap to fit you into.

That would be fine if it were just a minor physical complaint, but because mine is mental health related, I have a long and complicated medical history, a mis-diagnosis on my records, and some scary words that make a GP who doesn't know me and has seen this scary mental health history tend to approach me with pre-judgement in mind, and it's too much history to explain over and over again in a ten minute appointment, while desperately hoping this new GP doesn't write me off as crazy and just throw tablets at me. Has happened before, and it's not a pleasant experience.

But this one has been able to see that while yes, I have mental health issues and some scary sounding flags on my records, that most of those no longer apply, that I have insight, want to work on my own issues and willing to listen and be compliant, but that I also have insight and want to work with him so I'm treating my anxiety, depression and PTSD, but without medicating me into a useless zombie. He doesn't want that any more than I do. He referred me for further services, I'm on waiting lists, we've adjusted my antidepressant several times, and while I am temporarily on a benzodiazepine, he knows I'm not abusing them, and that they are very useful for someone with my level of anxiety during a situation like this, just so I can get through what I have to do, without falling apart. We both want it to be short-term, not something I need to rely on long term, and I don't think I'll need to, once I can get back into talk therapy, and we've got through the funeral and have more help coming in to help settle the probate and house situation.

A good GP makes all the difference, it really does. Especially because he's made it clear he's in my corner, has already shown he'll go above and beyond the call of duty, and told me I'm doing really well under the circumstances, and he absolutely seems to mean it, even when I don't feel like I'm doing well! Especially the thought of fighting the benefit system makes me very scared, and avoidant. I don't want to be on benefits, don't like being technically disabled through mental health issues, but frankly, I am. I'm struggling now, I couldn't return to work like this when I still struggle to leave the house, let alone coping with the stress of it all. But I'm seeing a glimmer of hope where I might be able to. I've already managed more than I thought I could, and I'm still here. I lost both parents, and it's agony - but I'm still here, and didn't lose my mind. So I'm not going to, no matter how many authorities I have to fight, and I have a medical professional backing me and saying he'll fight on my behalf.

 

[CaptainBarnicles]

You have good taste in ice cream. I know the joke is because we're fish hobbyists, but it's genuinely really nice ice cream!

It's by far the best one caramel, marshmallow, chocolate...what's not to love??

 

[Essjay]

I've made the application for PIP

Can I seriously suggest you consult CAB about this. They told our son that the questions on the form are easily misinterpreted and most people don't realise what they are actually asking. The woman at CAB went through the questions, saying what it was they were really asking and asked him further questions to elaborate his answers, and she filled in the forum as they was talking about each question. He just had to sign it.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

Can I seriously suggest you consult CAB about this. They told our son that the questions on the form are easily misinterpreted and most people don't realise what they are actually asking. The woman at CAB went through the questions, saying what it was they were really asking and asked him further questions to elaborate his answers, and she filled in the forum as they was talking about each question. He just had to sign it.

You're absolutely right! I used to be on PIP, which also meant I qualified for a high rate of ESA. Then I had one of those face to face assessments after a couple of years - during a year that was notorious for them turning down and rejecting applicants, but I was alone then, and didn't have the mental strength to appeal it. So I lost the PIP, my ESA was cut in half as a result, and I began to struggle just to pay bills, and wound up in debt, and avoiding opening post because I knew I couldn't pay it.

Fortunately this time, I've spoken to CAB, and they've sent me their advice for filling in the form, and one of the social workers from the St Peter's Hospice team is also going to help me fill it in, to help make sure I've done it right. My GP is in my corner and has months worth of medical records showing how closely he's been working with me, referring me to other services etc, so at least I have some help this time! Thank you, you're right. It's deliberately difficult to try to avoid scroungers and scammers, and I understand intellectually why it needs to be that way. But it does also make it really hard, and scary, for people who genuinely need it.

I'm glad your son had that support! I'll be contacting CAB again next week about it, since they're better placed to make sure it's done right, and if there's anything else I need to be applying for, and can hopefully help with the settling probate and funeral stuff!

 

[Essjay]

Unfortunately for my son, by the time he was called for a medical he was a lot better and missed getting PIP by a couple of points

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

Unfortunately for my son, by the time he was called for a medical he was a lot better and missed getting PIP by a couple of points

I don't know which react to use for this... on the one hand, it sucks that he missed out on PIP, especially being so close (did he appeal?) on the other hand, it's also a good thing that he was doing a lot better!

 

[Essjay]

He was thinking of appealing then reckoned it would be a waste of time as by the time he got the verdict he'd improved even more.

 

[GaryE]

It's interesting to read this as you look at the future..
a) you're doing more than hanging in, and are facing all of this well.
b) your system takes some figuring out. Over here, a surgery is a procedure, with a scalpel or lasers. When I read your press and it talks about politicians meeting people in their surgeries, yikes. The cuts are serious over there.
My GP works in what's almost a medical co-op. I can get same day appointments most of the time, but those are often with medical students doing their final internship. I can see my own GP within days, though I have nothing urgent for that. A good GP is a treasure, and I'm glad you have one.

People in bureaucracies can become less than helpful, but you meet good ones who get their mandate. There are scammers out there, and they have to be vigilant. Some go over the top, but I hope this next phase is as smooth as can be.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

It's interesting to read this as you look at the future..
a) you're doing more than hanging in, and are facing all of this well.

Thank you! People keep telling me that, but it doesn't really feel as though I'm handling it that well. Plus, no one's going to turn around and say; "You're a hot mess and not handling this very well", are they? So the insecure part of me wonders if people are only saying that out of pity, or to be kind to the crazy woman...!

b) your system takes some figuring out. Over here, a surgery is a procedure, with a scalpel or lasers. When I read your press and it talks about politicians meeting people in their surgeries, yikes. The cuts are serious over there.

Yeppers. Which also makes me feel guilty for asking for so much help. Like, there are people out there so much more deserving, and I should be able to handle this alone. I am an adult, legally and technically. So why do I need other adults to step in and help me, when they could be using those resources on others?

There's an internal conflict there. But GP tells me not to doubt that I deserve it, that I can get better, that he's sure I've heard of neuroplasticity, that the brain can form new neuro pathways, and I've benefited from therapy before, and can again, especially now I'm ready to face it and work on changing it.

I've been a caregiver my whole life, whether as a care assistant, support worker, or caring for my parents or the many animals and rescues that I've helped. And if I recover enough, I want to be able to contribute in other ways to repay what the system has given me.

My GP works in what's almost a medical co-op. I can get same day appointments most of the time, but those are often with medical students doing their final internship. I can see my own GP within days, though I have nothing urgent for that.

I'm glad you have that! I feel terrible for people in the US medical system and having to haggle with insurance just to get healthcare. I am very grateful for the NHS.

A good GP is a treasure, and I'm glad you have one.

Me too! I got very lucky, and clung to him like a limpet, haha. The times I had to talk to a different GP when he was away didn't go brilliantly, so he's stuck with me. Luckily, he seems to get me, and has been awesome.

People in bureaucracies can become less than helpful, but you meet good ones who get their mandate. There are scammers out there, and they have to be vigilant. Some go over the top, but I hope this next phase is as smooth as can be.

It sucks when you come across the real bureaucrats within the system, but in general, the actual humans working within that system that I've come across have been genuinely doing whatever they can within that system, and pushing back against the cuts and hurdles the people they're working with face. It must be very hard when they really want to help, but the system doesn't let them. It's one of the reasons burnout is so common.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

Still trying to choose funeral songs. This is one reason I haven't been sleeping well... I have nightmares, or anxiety provoking dreams, so I don't want to sleep. I'm tired, but I don't want to slip into a nightmare, or a dream that haunts me for the rest of the following day. I guess when it's not business hours, and not a time of day where I'm occupied taking care of the pets, doing housework or cleaning/sorting/organising, and busy, the grief comes when the household is asleep.

I'm not a sobbing mess or anything. Just awake, trying to mentally process, and listening to music, mulling over the decisions I have to make, and sometimes quietly crying when a song hits my heart. I have to be quiet, since my dog is with me, and reads me like a book, and gets upset if I'm upset, cuddling up to me to comfort me, and I hate upsetting her. So if I'm really emotional, or facing a phone call I know will be hard, I usually get my brother to dogsit and keep her occupied playing for a while so I can cry without upsetting her. Or while I'm in the shower.

Listening to a lot of country music at the moment. I was raised listening to it, and I've always loved it. The storytelling, and the feelings captured in the vocals. Not much modern country, listening to the classics from the 60s/70s.

It's interesting to revisit songs that are so familiar, that I know word for word because I heard them so many times growing up, but having a new perspective on them as an adult, and grasping the meaning behind them that I couldn't have hoped to understand as a child.

 

[MattW]

Listening to a lot of country music at the moment. I was raised listening to it, and I've always loved it. The storytelling, and the feelings captured in the vocals. Not much modern country, listening to the classics from the 60s/70s.

A great era of music

I recently lost a relative and have the funeral on the 8th Feb. The funeral songs can be a hard decision to make. I think a funeral song should be a song that brings back good and happy memories of the person you are mourning. We had an old neighbor a few years ago pass. They chose Annie's song for her funeral which I think was a beautiful choice.

Surprisingly one song I think is a good choice for a funeral song is from a Video game. This game got me through the pandemic

 

[elephantnose3334]

Are your fish okay, @AdoraBelle Dearheart? I just wanted to check on your fish and seeing they're doing allright at the moment.