Tell me something funny

[Rocky998]

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I have that saved in my images and thought this was something I posted

 

[Rocky998]

 

[Rocky998]

 

[Rocky998]

View attachment 350782

I'd like to add on to this by just saying...
"Russian Blūrette"

 

[TwoTankAmin]

If you have never heard of the comedian Stephen Wright, he is known for his one liners:

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually ...
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So, I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
I'm addicted to placebos.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts..

 

[WhistlingBadger]

If you have never heard of the comedian Stephen Wright, he is known for his one liners:

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually ...
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So, I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
I'm addicted to placebos.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts..

He was a genius. And of course you have to hear all of these lines delivered completely dead-pan, followed by a blank stare, as if he vaguely wonders why people are laughing.

 

[WhistlingBadger]

A tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

[WhistlingBadger]

A bug-catching machine.

 

[fish48]

 

[jaylach]

 

[gwand]

 

[WhistlingBadger]

These interviews crack me up. I think the funniest part is how her subjects seem not to realize she's being funny.

 

[Rocky998]

Hear me out... A Hallmark movie with a part 1 and part 2, BUUUUUT, part 1 starts out on their main channel and then part 2 is on the Hallmark Murders and Mysteries channel...

I'd watch that then for sure

 

[jaylach]

I'm grumbling about a woman in the apartment right next to me. Last Saturday UPS delivered a package for me to her door instead of mine. Finally got with her this evening and she was all "I don't steal and stuff" too much. The package was two 4-packs of large cuttlefish bones for my cockatiel as a calcium supplement. LOL! I have to get large bones as he will destroy the smaller ones in a couple of days.

I will fully grant that this was initially the fault of UPS delivering to the wrong address but she took in the package and kept instead of letting me know. She claimed that the package was open when she found it and DID return to me one of the two 4-packs claiming that she didn't have the other. If someone else opened and took one 4-pack it just makes sense that they would have taken both.

All in all I'm out ~$14.00 USD on the lost 4-pack but I'm going to let it slide as she isn't exactly all there mentally. Since she had the one 4-pack I just can't buy that she didn't have the other but I'm not going to push the issue. She is probably going to get evicted anyway for smoking in her unit, which management is aware, and I'm not going to add to her eviction as she is actually a pretty nice lady and I just don't want to add to her issues.

So one might wonder how I knew for fact that the package was delivered to her by mistake. That is simple as UPS takes an image of the package in front of the delivery door and there were dog figurines next to the package photo that were hers.

Sorry, this is much longer than needed but I'm sort of in turmoil as how to deal with this. Ya, I could force payment of the money I lost but it is a small amount and from who do I collect? UPS for a failed delivery, Petco for using UPS or her for not taking proper actions. I just don't want to add to her issues so I guess I'm going to just let it slide.

 

[connorlindeman]

I'm grumbling about a woman in the apartment right next to me. Last Saturday UPS delivered a package for me to her door instead of mine. Finally got with her this evening and she was all "I don't steal and stuff" too much. The package was two 4-packs of large cuttlefish bones for my cockatiel as a calcium supplement. LOL! I have to get large bones as he will destroy the smaller ones in a couple of days.

I will fully grant that this was initially the fault of UPS delivering to the wrong address but she took in the package and kept instead of letting me know. She claimed that the package was open when she found it and DID return to me one of the two 4-packs claiming that she didn't have the other. If someone else opened and took one 4-pack it just makes sense that they would have taken both.

All in all I'm out ~$14.00 USD on the lost 4-pack but I'm going to let it slide as she isn't exactly all there mentally. Since she had the one 4-pack I just can't buy that she didn't have the other but I'm not going to push the issue. She is probably going to get evicted anyway for smoking in her unit, which management is aware, and I'm not going to add to her eviction as she is actually a pretty nice lady and I just don't want to add to her issues.

So one might wonder how I knew for fact that the package was delivered to her by mistake. That is simple as UPS takes an image of the package in front of the delivery door and there were dog figurines next to the package photo that were hers.

Sorry, this is much longer than needed but I'm sort of in turmoil as how to deal with this. Ya, I could force payment of the money I lost but it is a small amount and from who do I collect? UPS for a failed delivery, Petco for using UPS or her for not taking proper actions. I just don't want to add to her issues so I guess I'm going to just let it slide.

Just let petco know. I am sure they will refund you.