OP
OP
Meeting the funeral director on Thursday 18th was really hard. He was nice, and I like the company much more than the one that handled dad's funeral (still contemplating making a complaint about the woman from that company who spoke so coldly to me on the 27th, and their whole handling of the situation). But of course brother left all organising and decisions to me, just as he did for dad's.
When it comes to my brother, I'm just trying to accept that he is who he is, and he is where he's at, so to try not to get frustrated and angry with him, can't expect him to just know what to do and do it, because that won't get either of us anywhere, and I don't want to feel angry or upset with him all the time, or resent him for leaving it all to me. He has issues he hasn't had help with, I've been fortunate to be more functional in many ways, had the benefit of a lot of therapy over the years, and considering he's likely neurodivergent, even our childhoods and experiences of our parents and relationships with them were very different. Dad certainly didn't hide that I was his favourite, and could come down hard on my brother at times.
If I accept that I need to take charge and take the lead in sorting things out, and keep working with professionals to get things sorted, then I won't get so mad at him for not automatically helping with that. I also have to recognise that he is trying, in his own ways. He's spoken to a doctor at least, and has more appointments lined up for bloodwork etc. He decided against any treatment for depression at this point, which I think is a mistake, but he has at least mentioned it to his doc, he's spoken to a doc and is willing to get bloodwork and talk with the diabetes nurse (the same one mum saw, so she's at least met my brother before, and I'm sure will be good with him).
So while I said I think he should consider possibly trying an antidepressant, and getting onto the waiting list for talk therapy, since the waiting lists are super long, and he deserves help with his depression too, but also told him I'm proud of him for making that huge step of talking to a doctor, telling them his fears, and making those follow up appointments. That if he's not ready for that yet, that it's absolutely his choice, and he can always change his mind and ask about them later. That he's made a huge step in the right direction, and I'm not knocking that at all, that I'm here for him, the negative things he tells himself and worries about that he's shared are the depression talking, not reality. That it's not too late for him, he's only 44 and can still get his health, both physical and mental, under control, and make a new, healthier and happier life for himself, and that I want to support him to do that too, for both of us to work on our issues individually, support each other as and when we can, give each other some grace at those times we can't, and that nothing is unfixable. He gave me a Birthday card, and wrote a nice message inside, which he doesn't usually do, so I know he's trying.
I'd been moving furniture, pictures, photos and knick knacks in the living room last week too, and he was helping me, so the room is a bit in chaos, as it has to be when you're having a deep clean and a proper sort out. When he I reminded him on Wednesday that the funeral director was coming to the house on Thursday, he started to tidy, organise and clean the living room up, and cleaned out the parrots, without my asking! So that's something too. Usually I'd have to do it myself, or ask him to help and give specific chores.
I've felt really fragile, and tired, since the funeral director appointment. He was very nice and kind, and we've arranged the funeral date (12th Feb - dad passed on Feb 7th last year, he first offered the 7th, I declined automatically, then also said I'd prefer a Friday or Monday if possible, so it's easier for my friend and family to get time off to come, since they have to travel. My bestie is likely coming for the weekend before the funeral as emotional support and practical help. So lucky to have a friend like him, I really am. He was a rock during dad's funeral.
Felt super tired, and emotional after the meeting, have felt really wiped out and tired, I guess because it made it all feel real again. Felt like I felt the day mum passed. Almost in shock, numb, exhausted. But slept a fair bit Thursday and Friday, and had more energy today, so did the deep clean on my small tank, and will be doing more tidying and organising this evening. Especially since people will be coming to the house for the funeral, it's motivation to get this stuff done, especially on the weekends when I'm not constantly on the phone or answering calls.
I'm so sorry
I hope you're doing better today! Sending hugs across the pond if wanted.
When it comes to my brother, I'm just trying to accept that he is who he is, and he is where he's at, so to try not to get frustrated and angry with him, can't expect him to just know what to do and do it, because that won't get either of us anywhere, and I don't want to feel angry or upset with him all the time, or resent him for leaving it all to me. He has issues he hasn't had help with, I've been fortunate to be more functional in many ways, had the benefit of a lot of therapy over the years, and considering he's likely neurodivergent, even our childhoods and experiences of our parents and relationships with them were very different. Dad certainly didn't hide that I was his favourite, and could come down hard on my brother at times.
If I accept that I need to take charge and take the lead in sorting things out, and keep working with professionals to get things sorted, then I won't get so mad at him for not automatically helping with that. I also have to recognise that he is trying, in his own ways. He's spoken to a doctor at least, and has more appointments lined up for bloodwork etc. He decided against any treatment for depression at this point, which I think is a mistake, but he has at least mentioned it to his doc, he's spoken to a doc and is willing to get bloodwork and talk with the diabetes nurse (the same one mum saw, so she's at least met my brother before, and I'm sure will be good with him).
So while I said I think he should consider possibly trying an antidepressant, and getting onto the waiting list for talk therapy, since the waiting lists are super long, and he deserves help with his depression too, but also told him I'm proud of him for making that huge step of talking to a doctor, telling them his fears, and making those follow up appointments. That if he's not ready for that yet, that it's absolutely his choice, and he can always change his mind and ask about them later. That he's made a huge step in the right direction, and I'm not knocking that at all, that I'm here for him, the negative things he tells himself and worries about that he's shared are the depression talking, not reality. That it's not too late for him, he's only 44 and can still get his health, both physical and mental, under control, and make a new, healthier and happier life for himself, and that I want to support him to do that too, for both of us to work on our issues individually, support each other as and when we can, give each other some grace at those times we can't, and that nothing is unfixable. He gave me a Birthday card, and wrote a nice message inside, which he doesn't usually do, so I know he's trying.
I'd been moving furniture, pictures, photos and knick knacks in the living room last week too, and he was helping me, so the room is a bit in chaos, as it has to be when you're having a deep clean and a proper sort out. When he I reminded him on Wednesday that the funeral director was coming to the house on Thursday, he started to tidy, organise and clean the living room up, and cleaned out the parrots, without my asking! So that's something too. Usually I'd have to do it myself, or ask him to help and give specific chores.
I've felt really fragile, and tired, since the funeral director appointment. He was very nice and kind, and we've arranged the funeral date (12th Feb - dad passed on Feb 7th last year, he first offered the 7th, I declined automatically, then also said I'd prefer a Friday or Monday if possible, so it's easier for my friend and family to get time off to come, since they have to travel. My bestie is likely coming for the weekend before the funeral as emotional support and practical help. So lucky to have a friend like him, I really am. He was a rock during dad's funeral.
Felt super tired, and emotional after the meeting, have felt really wiped out and tired, I guess because it made it all feel real again. Felt like I felt the day mum passed. Almost in shock, numb, exhausted. But slept a fair bit Thursday and Friday, and had more energy today, so did the deep clean on my small tank, and will be doing more tidying and organising this evening. Especially since people will be coming to the house for the funeral, it's motivation to get this stuff done, especially on the weekends when I'm not constantly on the phone or answering calls.
I'm so sorry
I hope you're doing better today! Sending hugs across the pond if wanted.
