out of time. Mum at end stage.

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

some men never grow up. i've married 3 of them. and divorced. Hopefully your brother will be the exception on that.

Oh I'm sure plenty of women are the same! Bro never flew the nest, and while I'm not exactly gonna shove him out of the nest, I have been nudging him to at least stretch his wings at last, and made it clear that he can't expect to just curl up in the nest for the rest of his life while I take over as mama bird. I didn't have kids, and don't intend to start now with my older brother!

I want to honour my parents memories, for my brother and I to be okay, however that ends up turning out, and it's what my folks would want me to do, I think. But they also knew what he was like, and wanted me to be happy too. You can lead a horse to water and all that. I'll be a supportive sister, but not going to baby him or pretend he's incapable, or let him hide away and avoid all the hard bits - the time for that has passed, for all of us.

But part of that means I need to look after myself, I know my tendency to run myself into the ground, and while I've caught up on some rest and sleep the last two days, I'm still struggling to eat - have a big mug of tomato soup now I just heated for myself when I fed the dog and made some kongs to freeze for her, so I'll have that while catching up on messages with friends now, have a long hot bath later and an early night, and get more done tomorrow. I know I'm still somewhat shell-shocked and haven't even really begun to process the grief, there hasn't been breathing room yet, it's still been crisis mode, but I am calmer, and trying hard to take better care of myself so I can get through the next tough parts.

 

[Alice B]

self care is critical. rest. you can do that now. Once business opens on tuesday you will likely have your hands full

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

self care is critical. rest. you can do that now. Once business opens on tuesday you will likely have your hands full

Definitely will do, have a lot of appointments tomorrow, the St Peter's social work team coming to the house at 11am to help us begin untangling the legal/financial mess, my regular GP will be calling me sometime after 2pm, and my brother has his own appointment with a social worker I already spoke with before mum's passing about some caregivers grant. But I'm sure there will be other phone calls and stresses too.

I slept a lot again last night and this morning. Have been doing tidying/cleaning/organising daily, but not feeling motivated to do so today, just feel sad and depressed. Should really phone/write blank cards to notify some more people, but I don't feel up to it right now, I really don't.

I had tomato soup with bread again last night. Still don't have much appetite. Less frantic and panicky, but I certainly feel the depression dragging on me today.

 

[Colin_T]

@AdoraBelle Dearheart I think you're doing a really good job considering what is going on. Being a carer is a thankless job and you have just cared for your dad and now your mum. Time to start caring about yourself. As for your brother, you can always choose your friends but you can't choose your family. Your brother sounds like he needs a kick in the pants. Don't baby him, don't pander to him. Make him grow up and stand on his own two feet. He's older than you but not acting like an adult. Tell him to grow up and leave it at that. I have four sisters, I get along with two of them and the other two I will kill on sight. Your brother needs to grow up and it's not your job to look after him. He had a business so he can look after things and he needs to get off his ass and look after some things.

Your mum might have done a will some years ago and it could be in the paperwork, which is going to be a nightmare going through. I can't think of who does wills but you might be able to call the courts and see if they have a record of her will (or know who you can call to try and find out if she did one years ago). If she doesn't, then its yucky. Use the resources offered to you by the various companies and just keep going one day at a time. Right now though you have a roof over your head, albeit not the best but as long as there's a couple of clean dry draught-free rooms, you have somewhere to live for a while and possibly even longer if need be. Your best friend is offering you a room if and when you need it. You have neighbours and other friends offering help. Accept all the help you can get because it will make life easier.

Keep sleeping and trying to eat. Take a vitamin mineral supplement every day to help compensate for what you miss out on by not eating properly. Take the dog for a long walk every day because it will help clear your head and give you respite from what is happening in the house. And if your friend is willing to drive over and pick you up, spend a week at their place so your brother learns that this is real and he could be out on his own very soon.

I'm not sure whether your dad was cremated and buried or you just took his ashes, but you can just get someone cremated and collect the ashes and have a funeral at home. They do the cremating at the facility but you can have the wake at home. It's cheaper.

A bird doesn't eat much and neither do fish. I'm not sure what other pets you have there besides the dog and cat, (cat is brother's responsibility). Try to keep the animals if you can. They give you a reason to get up in the morning (to feed and look after them). However, if the fish are causing stress, get rid of them or downgrade a bit but try to keep equipment so you don't have to buy it again if you choose to start up again.

Life is going to suck for a long time. However, you have gone through some really tough times during the last year and even though you might not see a light at the end of the tunnel, it's there and you have to keep going. Just take it one day at a time and keep going one step after another. You will have good days and bad days, but over time you should start to have more good and fewer bad. Eventually you will move past this point in your life and be a stronger person for it.

Everyone who has known you from here is here for you. Just keep going. And I like how the title changed, it's nicer and less worrying now.

 

[Alice B]

I will second the vitamin when you are not eating well. Fresh fruit and vegetables, and maybe a pot of coffee after breakfast? Coffee has a mildly anti-depressant effect. I'll also second kicking brother in the butt and tell him to put on his big boy pants and handle his stuff.

 

[Alice B]

@AdoraBelle Dearheart How are you coping with the National Health strike? Did you get to see your GP?

 

[Essjay]

The strike is by junior hospital doctors - they're the most recently qualified doctors who traditionally work more hours than any other rank of hospital doctor. They say they should be paid more than they are. GPs shouldn't be affected, though there may be a knock on effect with more people demanding to see their GP rather than wait even more hours in urgent care departments at hospitals.


But yes, how are you getting on with the various people helping you?

 

[simonas]

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like to pass away peacefully and at home was a blessing for your mum as tough as it is for those left behind.
My dad passed away on xmas eve I had hoped to spend xmas with him but thankful that after suffering with lung cancer and towards the end pneumonia and sepsis that he went quickly and painlessly. He actually said he wanted a heart attack before the decline become so bad and he was home which was cool after a month in hospital recently which he hated.

Thoughts are with you and I hope you are ok

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

Sorry for going quiet, appreciate the replies and responses! I'm okay, hanging in there. I did get to speak to my usual lovely GP On Tuesday, we've upped my antidepressant again, now that I no longer need to be on crisis mode 24/7, and he's said he can supply plenty of medical evidence I may need when reapplying for certain benefits etc, and is looking for other resources for me, besides the ones he already referred me to and that have me on long waiting lists.

St Peter's Hospice have been really helpful, and I've been reaching out to other organisations too, have apologised to my brother for flipping out on him and he has been trying harder to pull his weight, and to be more considerate. I've been sleeping more lately, whether catching up, processing grief, or the depression, or all of the above, but I figured I needed it.

All the legal/financial stuff is still a nightmare to sort through, but we will get there, one step at a time! It's not insurmountable, it's just a lot, a lot over my head, and needing a lot of help from the professionals and a lot of googling to figure out which next steps to take and when, but it'll get done, and I'll do my utmost to make sure both my brother and I, and the animals, are okay!

I still don't have much appetite, but I am making sure I eat at least one meal a day, and sipping on soups otherwise, and taking a multivitamin, plus getting that much needed sleep. I've called bereavement helplines a couple of times when I've been upset and just needed to talk it out, but not wanted to disturb anyone else late at night, and that's been helpful too.

Thank you so much, everyone, for caring! I don't want to give up the fish, and do have some mental plans in place for re-arranging tanks in a way that will work better, after giving the current ones several increasingly large water changes.

 

[NearMeBettas]

Prayers for you and your family, I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. You did everything possible to make your mum's last days peaceful. <3 I lost my grandmother this summer and said goodbye to her on my birthday. There is nothing harder than watching someone you love pass.

 

[DoubleDutch]

Sorry for going quiet, appreciate the replies and responses! I'm okay, hanging in there. I did get to speak to my usual lovely GP On Tuesday, we've upped my antidepressant again, now that I no longer need to be on crisis mode 24/7, and he's said he can supply plenty of medical evidence I may need when reapplying for certain benefits etc, and is looking for other resources for me, besides the ones he already referred me to and that have me on long waiting lists.

St Peter's Hospice have been really helpful, and I've been reaching out to other organisations too, have apologised to my brother for flipping out on him and he has been trying harder to pull his weight, and to be more considerate. I've been sleeping more lately, whether catching up, processing grief, or the depression, or all of the above, but I figured I needed it.

All the legal/financial stuff is still a nightmare to sort through, but we will get there, one step at a time! It's not insurmountable, it's just a lot, a lot over my head, and needing a lot of help from the professionals and a lot of googling to figure out which next steps to take and when, but it'll get done, and I'll do my utmost to make sure both my brother and I, and the animals, are okay!

I still don't have much appetite, but I am making sure I eat at least one meal a day, and sipping on soups otherwise, and taking a multivitamin, plus getting that much needed sleep. I've called bereavement helplines a couple of times when I've been upset and just needed to talk it out, but not wanted to disturb anyone else late at night, and that's been helpful too.

Thank you so much, everyone, for caring! I don't want to give up the fish, and do have some mental plans in place for re-arranging tanks in a way that will work better, after giving the current ones several increasingly large water changes.

Sorry to hear AB.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

Having looked into the mess that is probate when people who own a house pass without wills - does £6,500 sound reasonable in solicitors fees to handle all of the probate and financial stuff? Including changing the deed on the house, VAT etc?

Apparently it is possible to do it yourself - but I imagine that applies to people who are more organised, financially sensible and smart, and able and willing to dive into and organise paperwork, while navigating complex and annoying systems like the legal system, tax office and banking institutions. I used to be much better at all of those things, but I'm not currently, and at least if they mess up, they have to fix it, and that money would come out of the remaining money from parents own accounts, and can cover it, even if it's a big bite of it.

I know I can't leave it up to my brother, I have to nag and question him to get anything done, so it's either a case of doing it all myself, or doing what I need to myself, with the aid of legal professionals. I'm leaning towards the second one for obvious reasons.

 

[davros]

I can't speak for the UK case but here in the colonies that would be in the ballpark. Without a will I would not try to process things myself. Plenty of stress already - trust the professionals to handle this part.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

Have made more baby steps progress and received more advice, and will be working with citizen's advice too - already emailed and had a phone call from someone there, and they're referring me to a different team within citizen's advice who I should hear from within a week or two.

I've dealt with one bank that has two accounts to settle the actual balance and close the accounts/officially notify them about the deaths and probate situation, they were actually really helpful and kind, and it was easier than I thought.

Also had another meeting with my bro, and two of the St Peter's Hospice social work team, and they were here for two hours, and really helpful, to both of us. Was an emotionally hard week, but we have made progress, and I'm not committing to the £6,500 thing yet, until I've talked to funeral director for mum's funeral, citizen's advice, and done some more reading up on the topic/waded through and sorted more of my parents/the houses paperwork.

Have also patched things up with my brother the best I can, and genuinely think we're both doing our best, and reminding myself to be patient with him. He's a good person, doesn't mean to be inconsiderate at times, and is very willing to help if my requests are simple and clear, like as I'm gradually deep cleaning, sorting, decluttering and re-arranging things in all the rooms so we can make the place work for us as room mates, while also respecting my parents belongings, setting up sentimental containers and boxes for their personal things/sentimental/family items. Gonna take time and a lot of work, but bro is certainly willing to help as long as I take the lead.

Been listening to all kinds of music, praying to any gods that may be listening, and trying to draw strength from anywhere I can find it, and have found a lot of comfort in that. I like a lot of country music (sorry, I know country is controversial in the US!) because I was reared listening to country music collections, Dolly Parton, Glen Campbell, Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline etc. Parents were older when they had me, and listening to those familiar songs, but now with new appreciation from an adult perspective, has been nice. Good background music while cleaning, or giving the parrots a shower, too. They enjoy a singalong and get quite excited, especially on shower days, and my Amazon has quite a lovely warbling sing song he does when he joins in the singing! Helps give a sense of normalcy and comfort during this emotional and stressful time.

I played this song, Carrie Underwood, Jesus Take The Wheel, many times when breaking down on Christmas Eve - and we knew mum was entering the final stages of passing away - and Christmas Eve is also mentioned in the song, and it has some personal significance for me now.

She's done some great songs, lovely talented singer, and I still appreciate all the thoughts and prayers, advice and support you guys have freely given me, during a very hard year when I've barely engaged with the hobby. But I will be soon.. will take some photos and likely make a new journal/tank set up build thread within in the next few weeks!

 

[outofwater]

I live in the US, although I wasn't born here. I've never heard anyone saying country music is "controversial".. besides it's your music choice, don't apologize for it.
Been lurking in your thread, guess just watching how you handle this intense time.
We all have rough patches, and losing parents is one of the worst things, however it is the natural order of things.
It is unfortunate that society has become such that one can't grieve properly, nor can one take care of things without having to spend significant time and money hiring "experts" who have learned the arcane ways of government bureaucracy.
Best wishes for you and your brother, seems sharing with fellow fishheads is good therapy for you.