OP
OP
Thank you so much everyone for the kind words and prayers. It does mean a lot to me. We're meeting with the funeral directors today, so it's going to be a very hard one. I'm trying to focus on cleaning and tidying the house since they're coming here due to mum's medical issues and distress, rather than us going to the funeral home, so want to make sure it's fit for guests, and I'm finding that focusing on the practical things helps keep my mind from wandering and easier to try to stay strong.
Took Pixie for a long walk in the drizzling rain yesterday, with a wonderful neighbour who knew dad for years from us all walking our dogs over the park. She's been a wonderful support, offering any help, has visited us, burst into tears when I called to let her know about dad's passing, she was very fond of him and sincere when she's always offered any help we might need since he broke his hip in 2021, and she missed him coming on our dog walks. She lost her elderly dog a few months ago too, we lost our elderly spaniel about a year ago, and she also lost her nan last year and had to struggle through the nightmare of estate and funeral sorting while you're rocked with grief. I'm so sorry for all her losses and pain, but it also means we're really connecting in our empathy for what we're going through.
Dad was good at making friends. He loved to be independent, and met many people while walking their spaniel twice a day and going to the shops up the road daily. Dog walkers who all use the same park at the same time often chat as we walk around and the dogs play and explore, so there are a lot of friendly neighbours here that knew him and offered help after he broke his hip and couldn't join me on walks or pop to the shop anymore.
Dad worked so hard on his mobility because he missed that so much, and did amazing for a man in his mid-eighties! He needed to use a rollator, but within a week of his hip operation he was home and able to do the stairs (with my brother and I on either side of him at first, just in case!), could get around the house using a zimmer frame or using grab handles/bannisters/kitchen counters for balance support and safety when he needed it. Within a few months he could talk short walks on the street outside the house, and did that daily, pushing himself to do a little more each time to build his stamina. After six months or so he was able to join me on a walk with Pixie since the park is only across the street from us, so he could come and sit on a bench while I walked around with Pixie. He was so happy on that first walk! He loved seeing her running around playing, rolling in the grass and coming over to see him on the bench to beg for a treat and fuss. All the regular local dogs also recognise him as the man who always has dog treats in his pocket, so come bounding over to him to see him and collect their treat! (only with owners permission of course). He pushed himself to go further and further, resting on the benches when he'd had enough and enjoying chatting with other people and fussing their dogs, and watching as I went and walked around with Pixie and threw balls and leaves for her, then I'd meet back up with him and we'd walk home together. He couldn't do it daily, but he loved it and was joining us more and more often, and gained enough stamina to do short walks to the shop and back daily to get his paper and milk using his rollator.
Pixie had a great time yesterday, she's a springer/Border Collie/Mutt mix, mainly Springer Spaniel, so she loves running around in the rain and mud, pushing through the hedges and wading into muddy puddles! She got thoroughly soaked, very muddy, and had a great time doing it. Meant she had to go straight into the bath when he got home, which she doesn't love as much, but she was due for a bath anyway, and was such a good girl about having a thorough shampoo and wash, and gets the happy zoomies after like many dogs do! She has fun with the drying off part anyway, and she's now beautifully clean, silky and fluffy.
Dad adored Pixie, he loved her just as much (or maybe even more!) than he loved me. So while it was hard and emotional to cry for an hour while walking in the rain, that dad wasn't there and my neighbour and I both cried and sometimes stopped to sob and hug, it was good to be able to cry without Pixie being aware and getting upset (she cuddles up close to me and comforts me when I cry, and she's uncannily good at reading my face and moods) and since she's my shadow and follows me everywhere but the bathroom, I've been trying to get my sobbing out while I'm in the shower or bath when I can, so I don't upset her too much. Pixie adored dad too. I'm her favourite person in the world, she's always been that way since she was a pup, but dad was her clear second favourite. When he was cooking she'd have nothing to do with me! Would hang out with him and watch carefully for any dropped bits to hoover up, or to be given the odd bite he'd give her!
Years ago while I was working long hours and while dad was still very independent and mobile, they'd be my doggy daycare and look after Pixie for me, dad walking both her and Jack over the park, so she's very bonded to him too, and misses and looks for him. She's a bit anxious about the changes in her routine and looking for him at times. Whining for him in the morning since he used to collect her from my room when he woke up at 6-7am, let her out to pee and she'd hang out with him while he had breakfast and read his paper, and I had the coffee I need to become human and showered, then got ready for the day. She misses him, and her and I bringing him a cup of tea when he always woke at around 1am, and she'd have a play and fuss from him after leaping on their bed and licking his face, making him laugh and fuss her, which only made her do it more.
Those little routine family moments not happening anymore, and not being able to tell her where he's gone, is so hard. But he also loved us both so much, he would have taken a bullet for either of us, I know. So while all I want to do is lie in bed and sob my heart out, scream at the world that it's not fair that he's gone, that I need him and miss him desperately; I know what he would do, and that's doing everything he could to take care of us, even as I was also caring for them more and more in daily life. He would want me to cry when I need to, but that I need to be strong and push through it to take care of mum, for my bro and I to support her and each other, and for me to do anything I can to help them, to take care of the animals and house, and do what needs to be done, and I promised him that I would.
Dad would have wanted for me to be going on those walks with our neighbour friend, to be looking after Pixie and her needs, that Pixie had so much fun. I know that things like this will help me process my grief and get through the days, one step at a time.
Took Pixie for a long walk in the drizzling rain yesterday, with a wonderful neighbour who knew dad for years from us all walking our dogs over the park. She's been a wonderful support, offering any help, has visited us, burst into tears when I called to let her know about dad's passing, she was very fond of him and sincere when she's always offered any help we might need since he broke his hip in 2021, and she missed him coming on our dog walks. She lost her elderly dog a few months ago too, we lost our elderly spaniel about a year ago, and she also lost her nan last year and had to struggle through the nightmare of estate and funeral sorting while you're rocked with grief. I'm so sorry for all her losses and pain, but it also means we're really connecting in our empathy for what we're going through.
Dad was good at making friends. He loved to be independent, and met many people while walking their spaniel twice a day and going to the shops up the road daily. Dog walkers who all use the same park at the same time often chat as we walk around and the dogs play and explore, so there are a lot of friendly neighbours here that knew him and offered help after he broke his hip and couldn't join me on walks or pop to the shop anymore.
Dad worked so hard on his mobility because he missed that so much, and did amazing for a man in his mid-eighties! He needed to use a rollator, but within a week of his hip operation he was home and able to do the stairs (with my brother and I on either side of him at first, just in case!), could get around the house using a zimmer frame or using grab handles/bannisters/kitchen counters for balance support and safety when he needed it. Within a few months he could talk short walks on the street outside the house, and did that daily, pushing himself to do a little more each time to build his stamina. After six months or so he was able to join me on a walk with Pixie since the park is only across the street from us, so he could come and sit on a bench while I walked around with Pixie. He was so happy on that first walk! He loved seeing her running around playing, rolling in the grass and coming over to see him on the bench to beg for a treat and fuss. All the regular local dogs also recognise him as the man who always has dog treats in his pocket, so come bounding over to him to see him and collect their treat! (only with owners permission of course). He pushed himself to go further and further, resting on the benches when he'd had enough and enjoying chatting with other people and fussing their dogs, and watching as I went and walked around with Pixie and threw balls and leaves for her, then I'd meet back up with him and we'd walk home together. He couldn't do it daily, but he loved it and was joining us more and more often, and gained enough stamina to do short walks to the shop and back daily to get his paper and milk using his rollator.
Pixie had a great time yesterday, she's a springer/Border Collie/Mutt mix, mainly Springer Spaniel, so she loves running around in the rain and mud, pushing through the hedges and wading into muddy puddles! She got thoroughly soaked, very muddy, and had a great time doing it. Meant she had to go straight into the bath when he got home, which she doesn't love as much, but she was due for a bath anyway, and was such a good girl about having a thorough shampoo and wash, and gets the happy zoomies after like many dogs do! She has fun with the drying off part anyway, and she's now beautifully clean, silky and fluffy.
Dad adored Pixie, he loved her just as much (or maybe even more!) than he loved me. So while it was hard and emotional to cry for an hour while walking in the rain, that dad wasn't there and my neighbour and I both cried and sometimes stopped to sob and hug, it was good to be able to cry without Pixie being aware and getting upset (she cuddles up close to me and comforts me when I cry, and she's uncannily good at reading my face and moods) and since she's my shadow and follows me everywhere but the bathroom, I've been trying to get my sobbing out while I'm in the shower or bath when I can, so I don't upset her too much. Pixie adored dad too. I'm her favourite person in the world, she's always been that way since she was a pup, but dad was her clear second favourite. When he was cooking she'd have nothing to do with me! Would hang out with him and watch carefully for any dropped bits to hoover up, or to be given the odd bite he'd give her!
Years ago while I was working long hours and while dad was still very independent and mobile, they'd be my doggy daycare and look after Pixie for me, dad walking both her and Jack over the park, so she's very bonded to him too, and misses and looks for him. She's a bit anxious about the changes in her routine and looking for him at times. Whining for him in the morning since he used to collect her from my room when he woke up at 6-7am, let her out to pee and she'd hang out with him while he had breakfast and read his paper, and I had the coffee I need to become human and showered, then got ready for the day. She misses him, and her and I bringing him a cup of tea when he always woke at around 1am, and she'd have a play and fuss from him after leaping on their bed and licking his face, making him laugh and fuss her, which only made her do it more.
Those little routine family moments not happening anymore, and not being able to tell her where he's gone, is so hard. But he also loved us both so much, he would have taken a bullet for either of us, I know. So while all I want to do is lie in bed and sob my heart out, scream at the world that it's not fair that he's gone, that I need him and miss him desperately; I know what he would do, and that's doing everything he could to take care of us, even as I was also caring for them more and more in daily life. He would want me to cry when I need to, but that I need to be strong and push through it to take care of mum, for my bro and I to support her and each other, and for me to do anything I can to help them, to take care of the animals and house, and do what needs to be done, and I promised him that I would.
Dad would have wanted for me to be going on those walks with our neighbour friend, to be looking after Pixie and her needs, that Pixie had so much fun. I know that things like this will help me process my grief and get through the days, one step at a time.
I'm a trembling wreck. The first few days I'd get so distraught it made me have to run to the bathroom and throw up. But also no appetite to eat at all, and vomiting on an empty stomach is the worst! I do have anxiety and panic attacks, but I've never been sick as a result of being upset! I was shaking throughout the time we were planning the funeral, broke into sobbing at one point, then when she left went to have a shower and cried throughout.
