Tell me something funny

[Country joe]

Joke
How do you torture a Scotsman,
Nail his foot to the floor and play a jig.

 

[WhistlingBadger]

I want someone to play this whenever I enter a room from now on. Thanks.

 

[WhistlingBadger]

My dog learned a new trick.

 

[sharkweek178]

 

[Bertha]

I'm still feeling my way around, so if jokes aren't welcome, please let me know.

Guy goes into a pet store and asks Dude behind the counter for a dozen bees.

Dude goes into the back and puts some bees in a bag. He takes it out to the Guy.

Guy looks into the bag and counts. Says, "There are thirteen bees in here."

Dude says, "Oh. That's a freebie."

 

[Ceez]

What did 1 casket say to the other casket?

Is that you coffin

 

[Bertha]

Tell you something funny, eh? Ok, let's see about this:

Up until he was seven or eight, I frequently took my oldest nephew, Keegan, to stay the weekend with me. We both had a blast. Most of all, he loved running errands, so every time he stayed with me, I packed into the weekend a lot of errands.

One Sunday, when he was four or five years old, I took him home and he ran to his mom. "Did you have a good time?" she asked. He said, "Yeah, Mommy, and you know what? When Auntie Kim drives, she says '****' a lot!"

Within the family, I've never lived it down, and, truth to tell, I don't want to.

 

[I Like Rare Fish]

dad joke:
whats the opposite of ladyfingers?
mentos!

come back to me when you figure it out

 

[jaylach]

 

[jaylach]

 

[davros]

View attachment 340707

 

[Nofrnds2pla]

THE MONSTER IN THE FARMHOUSE (speaking of weird noises)

I bought an old farmhouse that happened to have an inground pool and an old barn on the property. It was very secluded so big girl that I was,I decided to try some skinny-dipping in the evening by myself. Well, right when I was ready to slip into the water, I started hearing these strange knocking noises! I thought well maybe I was hearing things so I proceeded to get into the water. The knocking noises seemed to get louder and scared the jeepers out of me, so I grabbed my towel and scurried into the house. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what that noise was. It didn’t sound like a bear or a deer or anything animal related. The next afternoon (in the daylight) I decided to take a dip (bathing suit on). It was rather breezy out and I heard the noises again….. I discovered there was a big old black walnut tree behind the big old two-story barn with big old holes in its roof and floors, So the noises I was hearing were the walnuts falling off the tree going through the hole in the roof of the barn, bouncing around the 2nd floor and rolling thru a hole down to the 1st floor! Yup mystery solved

 

[WhistlingBadger]

I'm still feeling my way around, so if jokes aren't welcome, please let me know.

Guy goes into a pet store and asks Dude behind the counter for a dozen bees.

Dude goes into the back and puts some bees in a bag. He takes it out to the Guy.

Guy looks into the bag and counts. Says, "There are thirteen bees in here."

Dude says, "Oh. That's a freebie."

That's terrible, even by TFF standards...

 

[WhistlingBadger]

THE MONSTER IN THE FARMHOUSE (speaking of weird noises)

I bought an old farmhouse that happened to have an inground pool and an old barn on the property. It was very secluded so big girl that I was,I decided to try some skinny-dipping in the evening by myself. Well, right when I was ready to slip into the water, I started hearing these strange knocking noises! I thought well maybe I was hearing things so I proceeded to get into the water. The knocking noises seemed to get louder and scared the jeepers out of me, so I grabbed my towel and scurried into the house. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what that noise was. It didn’t sound like a bear or a deer or anything animal related. The next afternoon (in the daylight) I decided to take a dip (bathing suit on). It was rather breezy out and I heard the noises again….. I discovered there was a big old black walnut tree behind the big old two-story barn with big old holes in its roof and floors, So the noises I was hearing were the walnuts falling off the tree going through the hole in the roof of the barn, bouncing around the 2nd floor and rolling thru a hole down to the 1st floor! Yup mystery solved

OK, stop me if I already shared this one. Years ago, when I was touring with a Scottish trad band, we stayed at what must have been the world's most haunted hotel. Around 3 in the morning, we're all in our room minding our own business, when the weird noises started. There was banging on the roof, on the walls, pounding on the door, the phone started ringing, and even something beating on the ceiling of the room below us. It was so loud we could barely hear the bagpipes.

 

[stuhyde]

A joke my 6yr old loves and tells it to everyone who comes round

A man walks into a pet shop and asks the shopkeeper if he could buy a wasp.
The shopkeeper replies, "Sorry sir, we don't sell wasps"
The man replies "What are you talking about, I've just seen one in the window"