Jokes - What You Got?

A man walks in to a bar..He has a steering wheel in between his legs.

Barman says.. Isn't that steering wheel annoying?

Man says.. Yeah its driving me nuts! :rolleyes:
 
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'


'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15 but please carry on'
 
^ ROFLMAO! (Couldn't actually put that in words so i hope the adults can understand it....)

Alessa x.
 
Three men were sitting together recounting how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania and boasted that he had told his wife she must do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He said he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results but the nextday it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Gordie girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day the didn’t see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
 
This is one you need to say out loud and in a Geordie accent (sorry to the US readers who have no idea what that is!)



A lorry carrying 1000 terrapins has overturned on the M4

it was a turtle disaster





*gets coat*

what's brown and knocks on your bedroom window?




a poo on stilts.
 
A blonde joke. A blonde goes into a shop, looks around then goes to the counter and says: 'I'd like to buy this TV please'. The man on the counter says 'no, sorry we don't serve blondes'. So she goes home upset and dyes her hair brown. She goes back to the shop, smiles and says: 'I'd like to buy this TV please'. The man on the counter says 'No sorry we don't serve blondes'. The girl goes home confused and dyes her hair ginger. She goes back the next day smiling and says: 'I'd like to buy this TV please' to which the man on the counter replies once again 'Sorry, we don't serve blondes'. The girl gets angry and says: 'Everytime I come in here, after dying my hair different colours from blonde, why won't you sell me the TV?!' to which he looks at her sarcastically and says 'Because, that's a microwave'. :D
 
I've heard that one! I find it hilarious! :lol:

Alessa x.
 
Blonde jokes eh...

There were 3 mothers talking in a café, one blonde, one brunette and one redhead.

The women are chatting to each other after a meal with their daughters and htey happen to leave behind their handbags. The mothers decide it would be a good opportunity to look through their possessions.

The brunette looks through her daughters bag and finds a packet of cigarettes she says loudly
"Oh my god I didn't know my daughter smokes!"

The redhead looks through her daughters bag and finds a miniature bottle of vodka she says
"Oh my god I didn't know my daughter drank!"

The blonde looks through her daughters bag and finds a condom she screams
"Oh my god I didn't know my daughter had a Penis!"
 
Space For Rent
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent

had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant immediately wrote a check.
 

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