I Know It's Christmas, Sorry To Spoil It, But I'm At An All Ti

[Carp4U]

Hi Carp4U, I don't know if my writing to you will be much help but I thought I will try and you can then decide.

You write about being a little lonely because you don't make friends easily. First, I want to tell you that there are probably a lot more people around you who feel the same way but are pretty good at hiding it, and/or changing themselves to fit in a group just so they feel they belong. So, kudos to you for staying true to yourself.

Second, true friendships come about if both people have the other person's well being in mind. That is also true for couples. In your case this may have been one-sided, but don't hold a grudge, she is only 16 yrs old, and is trying to figure things out just like you do. We all grow up making mistakes and learning from them. It is unfortunate that we either get hurt or hurt others in the process, but it is part of learning what works, what doesn't, who we are, what we want....so we can be a better partner in the future.

Third, you ask if we think if what she did was fair. I don't think it really matters, what matters is that you will be able to forgive her for breaking your heart, and yourself for your part in how this relationship went. It is never just one person's fault when a relationship ends.
Then you will be able to look at it a lot more clearly and learn from it, which will turn this experience into something positive! Then you can move forward and be ready when the right person comes along. And I promise you, you will meet someone special again! Sure, there are no guarantees that your heart won't ever get broken again, growing up is not for sissies! (I kind of changed that from the original term: growing old is not for sissies, lol)

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and hope you will find a little joy during this holiday season.

Soo true

I also agree that's very true, thanks for the good advice and the kind words at the end I just hope i meet someone special again soon...

 

[Carp4U]

at 16 very few people have experienced much. we all thought we knew everything, and however mature we think we are at 16, we just arent. we live a very sheltered, easy life until you leave education, whenever that may be. at 16, the last thing you need to be worried about is bogging yourself down in the whys and why nots of relationships. getting a job is when the real world starts, paying bills, earning money to live, thats when things take shape and you can really define how your life is going to be. which is why getting a decent education/job is important.

really you just need to increase the circle of people you socialise with. you say you run and ride, there must be local clubs or something ? college is a hard place to make friends, as you say its very much a popularity contest, and if you're not in 'the clique', i guess it can be hard. if/when you get yourself a job, its a lot easier. generally you're with much maturer people, they generally have nothing to prove to anybody, and its much easier to make friends when its not all about popularity and how much you can drink at parties

different ways of life work for different people. i went through school and college with all top grades, thinking i was going to be earning loads of money. yet here i am working part time in crappy tesco. with the economy as it is, and work difficult to find, getting a good job really is the most important thing to making sure your life after education is as good as possible. where i live, workwise you take what you can get. you may have a broken heart, that will heal. im 26, single and living at home earning a pitiful wage, even though i put the effort in at college. its just the roll of the dice. and i got a crap roll.

you should be enjoying a few more years of carefree living, obviously you need to keep the whole career thing in mind, but dont get too serious on anything at 16, you're still a child, however mature you are.

I've got a part time job on weekends at a local restaurant, which I sort of enjoy, but doesn't pay as much as I'd like. Obviously I'm only doing a few hours and just saving up for my Mt Blanc expedition. Obviously I need to do well in my education, which hopefully I will, but I want to have fun on the way. I want to work as a mountain guide when I'm older, which doesn't pay much but has an immense lifestyle, and of course at least it's a job I would love to bits, it's about living the dream. It's a gamble, but I don't want to waste time in school if I don't need it. It makes it more of a gamble, but hey, #105### happens. At work I don't have friends as such, due to the age difference, but I do get on with my colleagues and have a laugh with them sometimes too. Equally they can make me feel worse.

As for the clubs, yeah, I'm joining a local running/athletics club, and from researching it I've already met two guys who go there, who are a couple of years older than me but have been helpful when speaking to them on facebook, so i've got two potential friends already. But even making friends isn't going to make me happier on it's own. I could have more friends easily, but like you say, at school it's all about popularity and I have little in common with the people there... no matter how much effort I make. I'm also thinking of going to circuit training classes once a week to get even fitter, and maybe even join the under 18's club at my local climbing wall if I get time. Don't think there's any biking clubs but the others are more than enough.

I feel for you that you've worked hard yet you're unhappy with the job you've got out of it. That's what's putting me off going down the uni route, I feel like I'm wasting time if that's not what I actually want to work as. People say that Uni guarantees a good job. Wrong. Maybe it helps, I don't know. I hope things pick up for you a bit, doesn't sound much fun, there's not many jobs out there for anyone. I could quite easily leave sixth form with top a levels but my mind is elsewhere. I really hope my broken heart does heel, but it's like a stubbed toe, in the meantime it bloody stings

at 16 very few people have experienced much. we all thought we knew everything, and however mature we think we are at 16, we just arent. we live a very sheltered, easy life until you leave education, whenever that may be. at 16, the last thing you need to be worried about is bogging yourself down in the whys and why nots of relationships. getting a job is when the real world starts, paying bills, earning money to live, thats when things take shape and you can really define how your life is going to be. which is why getting a decent education/job is important.

really you just need to increase the circle of people you socialise with. you say you run and ride, there must be local clubs or something ? college is a hard place to make friends, as you say its very much a popularity contest, and if you're not in 'the clique', i guess it can be hard. if/when you get yourself a job, its a lot easier. generally you're with much maturer people, they generally have nothing to prove to anybody, and its much easier to make friends when its not all about popularity and how much you can drink at parties

different ways of life work for different people. i went through school and college with all top grades, thinking i was going to be earning loads of money. yet here i am working part time in crappy tesco. with the economy as it is, and work difficult to find, getting a good job really is the most important thing to making sure your life after education is as good as possible. where i live, workwise you take what you can get. you may have a broken heart, that will heal. im 26, single and living at home earning a pitiful wage, even though i put the effort in at college. its just the roll of the dice. and i got a crap roll.

you should be enjoying a few more years of carefree living, obviously you need to keep the whole career thing in mind, but dont get too serious on anything at 16, you're still a child, however mature you are.

I've got a part time job on weekends at a local restaurant, which I sort of enjoy, but doesn't pay as much as I'd like. Obviously I'm only doing a few hours and just saving up for my Mt Blanc expedition. Obviously I need to do well in my education, which hopefully I will, but I want to have fun on the way. I want to work as a mountain guide when I'm older, which doesn't pay much but has an immense lifestyle, and of course at least it's a job I would love to bits, it's about living the dream. It's a gamble, but I don't want to waste time in school if I don't need it. It makes it more of a gamble, but hey, #105### happens. At work I don't have friends as such, due to the age difference, but I do get on with my colleagues and have a laugh with them sometimes too. Equally they can make me feel worse.

As for the clubs, yeah, I'm joining a local running/athletics club, and from researching it I've already met two guys who go there, who are a couple of years older than me but have been helpful when speaking to them on facebook, so i've got two potential friends already. But even making friends isn't going to make me happier on it's own. I could have more friends easily, but like you say, at school it's all about popularity and I have little in common with the people there... no matter how much effort I make. I'm also thinking of going to circuit training classes once a week to get even fitter, and maybe even join the under 18's club at my local climbing wall if I get time. Don't think there's any biking clubs but the others are more than enough.

I feel for you that you've worked hard yet you're unhappy with the job you've got out of it. That's what's putting me off going down the uni route, I feel like I'm wasting time if that's not what I actually want to work as. People say that Uni guarantees a good job. Wrong. Maybe it helps, I don't know. I hope things pick up for you a bit, doesn't sound much fun, there's not many jobs out there for anyone. I could quite easily leave sixth form with top a levels but my mind is elsewhere. I really hope my broken heart does heel, but it's like a stubbed toe, in the meantime it bloody stings

 

[This Old Spouse]

I think you ought to join some club or group or team at school, make new, better and more interesting friends than your ex, and shove it in her face by having the time of your life. Misery loving company might be true for a short time, but loving life and having a great time is much more infectious.

 

[Carp4U]

I think you ought to join some club or group or team at school, make new, better and more interesting friends than your ex, and shove it in her face by having the time of your life. Misery loving company might be true for a short time, but loving life and having a great time is much more infectious.

I'm joining two clubs next week (as mentioned above), a running club and a circuit training club, and possibly a rock climbing club.. Either way, nothing I do will bring her back, as I already do enough interesting stuff as it is, maybe she wants someone a bit more normal...

 

[Carp4U]

I think you ought to join some club or group or team at school, make new, better and more interesting friends than your ex, and shove it in her face by having the time of your life. Misery loving company might be true for a short time, but loving life and having a great time is much more infectious.

I'm joining two clubs next week (as mentioned above), a running club and a circuit training club, and possibly a rock climbing club.. Either way, nothing I do will bring her back, as I already do enough interesting stuff as it is, maybe she wants someone a bit more normal...

 

[This Old Spouse]

Then let her find someone "normal", i.e., boring. You sound like a very interesting guy, and I wish I'd met someone so interesting in high school! Hold out for someone as interesting and deep as you, and don't settle for anyone less.

 

[Frazzledazzle]

Glad to be of service. I do charity work for a local animal sanctuary (Kays Hill - Google it!) and take my dogs to local care homes and childrens charities. I enjoy it, i'd hate not to be able to do 'normal' things such as making a cup of tea, or even walking! So i take my dogs to bring a bit of happiness to people who are not as fortunate as myself. I've never done any fun runs or anything but i'd be interested.

You've got to find your feet, find the confidence and if someone doesn't want you, there's more who do. If a girl comes up to you asking for you to buy her a drink (you may be a bit too young for this one, but you get my point), don't. If a girl wants something from you then she isn't worth the hassle because chances are she's done it to 50 other lads. I refuse to buy a drink for a girl (unless i know her beforehand), and i don't care if i get called every name under the sun because that just shows i was correct. Just use your common sense to gauge every situation. Forget your ex. There's no point living in the past when now is what counts.

Happy new year mate.

 

[Dieses Madchen]

I personally think its okay for a 16yr old to rant to an adult who has been in the same position. Life is not easy. No one is here to make that claim. I am still young as well. I am still learning about life. If sharing my experiences and giving advice to someone younger than me and struggling is going to make it that much easier for them, then by all means, rant away. I will tell you everything that I have been through as well as what it is like to be me now. Sometimes that is all someone in a tight spot needs. they need to know they are not alone.

I agree, and having Fishforums here so that I can come and talk to other people who have experienced what I have, is brilliant, no matter what their age. Life isn't easy, unless you live it in a boring way which I'm sure none of us here do like you say. Sharing your experiences and advice with me is so helpful, and it does make it easier, thankyou! Knowing I'm not alone is nice too, because I generally am alone, I do alright on my own, I'm a world record holder due to me doing something on my own and I'll always be independent, but I'd love to have someone to love too, and someone who loves me the way I am. Am I right to think that, when you find real love, the relationship will work naturally, as long as both people feel the same way? This whole experience has made me think.. what IS love? What's the difference between it and a relationship, what is a relationship, what is a crush, what is just attraction, what is the point in a girlfriend, when are you classed as 'together' and how is this defined..., confused!!!

Also, seen as you're still young and you've learnt this all before me can I ask something else? When you found someone else (i.e. another partner), did the memories from your last relationship stop making you feel sad? Everyone keeps telling me I'll find someone even better and be glad because if my ex hadn't have dumped me I'd have never met her, but I'm not convinced..

She told me she didn't feel the same way about me. I don't know what I did wrong, why I wasn't good enough, why I didn't make more effort... and why she seems so keen to forget about me..

To be honest, my last relationship ended so badly that is forever burned in my head. I will never forget nor can I forgive what I was put through. But you learn from it, and know the warning signs next time you get a bad egg. But relationships isn't the only place where I have loved and learned, and lost. I have bipolar disorder, which accounts for alot of my loniless at your age. It was undiagnosed (well, diagnosed improperly) and didn't actually get affective treatment will I was 25yrs old. So, 17 years, I struggled with social awkwardness, innability to make friends, and as I got older, inability to make a relationship work.

The one thing I can say is this, though. I have been in your position and can honestly say I have had something great get away from me. I still wonder about the whatifs and the shoulda/coulda/wouldas. You are still young. You cannot let yourself get down over one girl, no matter how bad its hurts, because you run the risk of missing out on something potentially great that may be right in front of you

 

[moochy13]

i think i regret not going to uni. i didnt go because owing people money - regardless of how much or who to - really irritates me. however the brutal truth is - GCSE's are no good for anything other than getting into college, and from my experience A levels are no good for anything other than getting into uni. looking back, and knowing how little my friends who went to uni pay back, i wish i had gone i think. certainly, its a guaranteed friend maker, and will obviously give you an advantage, if not a guarantee in your job hunting afterwards. part of my probem was that my a levels are in photography, 3d design, and graphic design. which are all pretty much useless in the real world unless you back them up at uni.

 

[Carp4U]

I personally think its okay for a 16yr old to rant to an adult who has been in the same position. Life is not easy. No one is here to make that claim. I am still young as well. I am still learning about life. If sharing my experiences and giving advice to someone younger than me and struggling is going to make it that much easier for them, then by all means, rant away. I will tell you everything that I have been through as well as what it is like to be me now. Sometimes that is all someone in a tight spot needs. they need to know they are not alone.

I agree, and having Fishforums here so that I can come and talk to other people who have experienced what I have, is brilliant, no matter what their age. Life isn't easy, unless you live it in a boring way which I'm sure none of us here do like you say. Sharing your experiences and advice with me is so helpful, and it does make it easier, thankyou! Knowing I'm not alone is nice too, because I generally am alone, I do alright on my own, I'm a world record holder due to me doing something on my own and I'll always be independent, but I'd love to have someone to love too, and someone who loves me the way I am. Am I right to think that, when you find real love, the relationship will work naturally, as long as both people feel the same way? This whole experience has made me think.. what IS love? What's the difference between it and a relationship, what is a relationship, what is a crush, what is just attraction, what is the point in a girlfriend, when are you classed as 'together' and how is this defined..., confused!!!

Also, seen as you're still young and you've learnt this all before me can I ask something else? When you found someone else (i.e. another partner), did the memories from your last relationship stop making you feel sad? Everyone keeps telling me I'll find someone even better and be glad because if my ex hadn't have dumped me I'd have never met her, but I'm not convinced..

She told me she didn't feel the same way about me. I don't know what I did wrong, why I wasn't good enough, why I didn't make more effort... and why she seems so keen to forget about me..

To be honest, my last relationship ended so badly that is forever burned in my head. I will never forget nor can I forgive what I was put through. But you learn from it, and know the warning signs next time you get a bad egg. But relationships isn't the only place where I have loved and learned, and lost. I have bipolar disorder, which accounts for alot of my loniless at your age. It was undiagnosed (well, diagnosed improperly) and didn't actually get affective treatment will I was 25yrs old. So, 17 years, I struggled with social awkwardness, innability to make friends, and as I got older, inability to make a relationship work.

The one thing I can say is this, though. I have been in your position and can honestly say I have had something great get away from me. I still wonder about the whatifs and the shoulda/coulda/wouldas. You are still young. You cannot let yourself get down over one girl, no matter how bad its hurts, because you run the risk of missing out on something potentially great that may be right in front of you

Do you mind if I ask, was it the man you were with who hurt you? I just STILL don't understand why she decided to finish it so suddenly.. it's a shock, it didn't dwindle, it just seemed to be getting better.. I know one day I'll find someone else, but my biggest worry is that I'll still get sad when I think about what I lost. I keep seeing pictures of her on Facebook and it BURNS inside me, it really really does, then I compare myself in a picture and think, she deserves someone so much better looking and fashionable than me..

Thanks for the advice though

 

[Dieses Madchen]

Yes, its was a man. I devoted everything to him and he saw me as nothing but a harlot for some strange reason Hard to be happy when complete devotion is doing it all wrong. But I didn't dwell on what happened, but I did learn from it, and I will tell you one thing. Any man would be a cold case file before I let them treat me like that again

 

[Carp4U]

Then let her find someone "normal", i.e., boring. You sound like a very interesting guy, and I wish I'd met someone so interesting in high school! Hold out for someone as interesting and deep as you, and don't settle for anyone less.

I know, I should, it just hurts to know that she'll experience everything we didn't get to do (you know what I mean) with someone else.. not me. It hurts knowing she's having fun without me and that she doesn't care anymore, Yeah she'll send me a text now and then, when she's got nobody else to talk to, but she always said how she didn't have time and was so busy... she isn't, I know she isn't, it was just another excuse.

Thanks. Unfortunately despite who I am I still get very little interest off anybody, especially girls, so there's obviously something wrong with my personality. I hope I don't get too cocky about the things I do, but I do take pride in my achievements!

I know she doesn't care, or she's pretending she doesn't, because I was in hospital on Friday after falling while out on a run down a hill locally, in the dark, wet, cold and on my own, hit my head and knocked myself out cold for a bit, wandered home and mum panicked and took me to hospital as I had blurred vision and ringing in my ears. A couple of hours later I was fine and they let me go (with persuasion). My mum had told her friend who is very close to us, and she'd posted on my wall on Facebook saying 'sorry to hear about the accident, hope you're on the mend, sounds nasty, hope you're ok, thinking of you xxx' and obviously I'd not been on Facebook myself or texted her (and I texted her telling her I was going on a run and would text her later, just before I went) and obviously she didn't get the text and she must have wondered why. That wall post was on my Facebook by 4am the next morning. My ex was at work for 12.30, and would have had a break at 2.30 ish, and I know from experience and being with her that she regularly checks her Facebook on her Blackberry, all the time, to see what's happening etc, and she still does (Probably not as much now we're single but I know she checks my profile because she asks me about things I've posted still). I was ok to work a few hours later at lunch time ish, with paracetamol though, and still had no text or nothing. I know she would have seen it, I've been posting very little recently which would have made her check it more recently too. So it got to 8pm ish when I was at work, still had no text to see if I was ok, so I texted her apologising for not texting her back last night, but I'm guessing she'd seen my wall post so she'd understand why' and she said 'Yeah I've only just really (note 'really') seen it because I've been at work (wrong, she had seen it, I know it) and just said 'Good god! You need to get a headtorch for running in the dark'... So no sympathy/concern whatsoever. Didn't even ask what had happened or if I was ok... Nastiness/coincidence or an uncaring person who's not interested anymore?

 

[Carp4U]

Yes, its was a man. I devoted everything to him and he saw me as nothing but a harlot for some strange reason Hard to be happy when complete devotion is doing it all wrong. But I didn't dwell on what happened, but I did learn from it, and I will tell you one thing. Any man would be a cold case file before I let them treat me like that again

Sorry to hear that I feel as if I was just in the way of my ex. She has lots of plans for after sixth form etc, so she wouldn't have been able to do those if she has a boyfriend and knew a long relationship, well 18 months, would have got in the way and I wouldn't want her to work her plans around that. Obviously she can't have loved me enough otherwise she wouldn't have finished. I think at 16 relationships are just a bit of fun anyway.
She wasn't prepared to devote everything for me but at our age that's fair enough. The more I think about, I'm not sure if I actually loved her, or whether I just wanted a girlfriend.. I'm just not happy with the way I was treated either. I've definitely learnt from it, and maybe what I've learnt will make my future relationships more successful (when they're at the age where they're more successful (i.e, after school when people have jobs).

Would I be right to say that relationships are just about finding the right person to spend your life with? Obviously I can imagine that would take up a lot of time and lots of breakups unless you're lucky. At first, would you say a relationship is about love, or just to get to know each other?

And also, what is a harlot?