Unfair Family

[PhantomCarp]

Hello everyone I would like some help with trying to get my mom to stop being unfair. So I’ll start with I do not live with my real parants anymore and now have been living with my 3rd cousin for 7 years but I’ll call her mom whenever referring to her. So about 7 years ago I moved in here and in till I started 2nd grade everything was fine. When i started I was a horrible speller(still am) and she would punish me for this by making me stay up at night writing every word i spelled on my work about 25 times. I also had bad handwriting(still do) and she would make me write letters in till it was perfect. (This never worked or helped me once.) Move onto 3rd grade and 4th it gets work. At this point whenever she would say something wrong and I would correct her so she didn’t spread the wrong info I would get smacked and she would yell at me. Move onto 5th grade and it continues to get worse in the form of when I tell her something like an example from today I asked her if I could start my chores while she made breakfast and she said okay. 20 min in she comes down and yells for making her look for me. Move to 6th grade I stop showing her my work so I don’t stay up till 10 writing museum 500 times.(every year she would make me write more and more.) also during this year there daughter comes to move back in. During this time they would give a complete biased towards her. Example” a few hours before holiday concert that I was in I told her something about the music that she didn’t like and she slapped me. On the car ride home I heard her daughter(she is nice and dosnt do anything that I think is unfair) say the same thing and she didn’t say anything. Know to this year before quarantine she makes me right something 1000 times of I spell it wrong. And this year I started doing chores for money to try to save up for a tank and anything I did she would criticize.(example today I was cleaning up a bunch of fallen flower petals and I missed 2 and she said I did a bad job) She will also say I didn’t do anything so I won’t get paid even though I did it I just did it early in the morning. Also recently her husband dosnt like me doing anything becaus he always thinks I’m going to mess it up so when she tells me to do something he tells me to stop and then I get slapped and yelled at for listening to him. It also had made me not want to play family games with them or watch are favorite show together because I want to be with them as little as possible even though I live with them. I have no we’re else to go exept maybe my grandma but when I had to leave my birth parants the only people stopping me from going to foster care were these people. Can you please help me figure out how to make this all stop. If I try to confront her she’ll slap me and call me ungrateful.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of that hon. You're right that it is unfair, and it is not okay for anyone to hit or emotionally abuse you. I dearly wish I could tell you that there's a magic way to make adults do the right thing, and not be unfair and hurtful, but I'm sad to say that it's rarely that easy.

One thing I want you to take to heart is that it is not your fault. No matter what, you don't deserve to be hit, or shouted at that someone shouldn't have to look at you. My heart hurts for you to hear that you're going through that. Also know that no matter how hard things get, you will someday soon be an adult who can set their own boundaries and refuse to tolerate that treatment from anyone. Therapy can help so much to overcome issues like this. But I know you have some time before you're old enough to leave home, and that that's little help or comfort to you right now.

Is there a counselor at your school? Or a teacher or another adult you can trust that you can confide it? I know that that's a big scary thing to ask, and people online can offer you emotional support, but nothing can beat a trusted adult who you can confide in in real life.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

Is your grandma nice and fair to you? Does she know how you're being treated at home?

 

[PhantomCarp]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of that hon. You're right that it is unfair, and it is not okay for anyone to hit or emotionally abuse you. I dearly wish I could tell you that there's a magic way to make adults do the right thing, and not be unfair and hurtful, but I'm sad to say that it's rarely that easy.

One thing I want you to take to heart is that it is not your fault. No matter what, you don't deserve to be hit, or shouted at that someone shouldn't have to look at you. My heart hurts for you to hear that you're going through that. Also know that no matter how hard things get, you will someday soon be an adult who can set their own boundaries and refuse to tolerate that treatment from anyone. Therapy can help so much to overcome issues like this. But I know you have some time before you're old enough to leave home, and that that's little help or comfort to you right now.

Is there a counselor at your school? Or a teacher or another adult you can trust that you can confide it? I know that that's a big scary thing to ask, and people online can offer you emotional support, but nothing can beat a trusted adult who you can confide in in real life.

Yeah there is a counseler at school but because of quarantine i can’t see her. Thank you for the response, yeah as soon as im done with highschool I hope to go to college somewhere in Texas to become a marine biologist then stay down there to work or go somewhere in England and not have to go back to where I live now ever again.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

Yeah there is a counseler at school but because of quarantine i can’t see her. Thank you for the response, yeah as soon as im done with highschool I hope to go to college somewhere in Texas to become a marine biologist then stay down there to work or go somewhere in England and not have to go back to where I live now ever again.

Are you able to contact the counselor through your online contact with school? Perhaps you can email a teacher and ask to have an online email or video (if you can do that without your mother or stepfather knowing about it) chat with them?

 

[PhantomCarp]

Is your grandma nice and fair to you? Does she know how you're being treated at home?

My grandma is nice and fair a little strange though. But she dosnt realy own a house to say. She use to be in a relationship with the guy who owned the local mall and before he died he put in the his house in the will so until she dies she can live there. She knows what she’s doing to a point but dosnt know how I feel about it my 3rd cousin use to baby sit my birth mom so they have known each other forever.

 

[PhantomCarp]

Are you able to contact the counselor through your online contact with school? Perhaps you can email a teacher and ask to have an online email or video (if you can do that without your mother or stepfather knowing about it) chat with them?

I could contact them but the only way to video them would be to use her laptop and she only lets me use it for school work and checks in on me every 5min to see what I’m doing.

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

My grandma is nice and fair a little strange though. But she dosnt realy own a house to say. She use to be in a relationship with the guy who owned the local mall and before he died he put in the his house in the will so until she dies she can live there. She knows what she’s doing to a point but dosnt know how I feel about it my 3rd cousin use to baby sit my birth mom so they have known each other forever.

Strange in a harmless way, or strange in a way that you might be at risk if you lived there?

If she has a right to live there for the remainder of her life, I don't know the legalities of her moving a minor in there, or if she'd be willing to fight your cousin on this, so that would be up to adults involved to sort it out. But if it's only for a few years until you're old enough to go to college, and no one can turf her out to rent the place to anyone else anyway, it might be do-able.

I'm treading carefully, because I don't know your situation, and I don't know resources to help you in the US very well. I would love for you to have a safe place to go to, whether that's family or not, but also know that there are risks involved there too.

For right now, we don't want to do anything that might trigger your mother to abuse you even more. Like if she's monitoring your computer use. Do you have any emails she doesn't know about? Are you able to go for a walk or go to the shops with your phone, without being monitored?

 

[PhantomCarp]

Strange in a harmless way, or strange in a way that you might be at risk if you lived there?

If she has a right to live there for the remainder of her life, I don't know the legalities of her moving a minor in there, or if she'd be willing to fight your cousin on this, so that would be up to adults involved to sort it out. But if it's only for a few years until you're old enough to go to college, and no one can turf her out to rent the place to anyone else anyway, it might be do-able.

I'm treading carefully, because I don't know your situation, and I don't know resources to help you in the US very well. I would love for you to have a safe place to go to, whether that's family or not, but also know that there are risks involved there too.

For right now, we don't want to do anything that might trigger your mother to abuse you even more. Like if she's monitoring your computer use. Do you have any emails she doesn't know about? Are you able to go for a walk or go to the shops with your phone, without being monitored?

Strange in a harmless way.
I use my phone for TTF and she dosnt check it. If my phone gets a message she will look at it and see what it is but that’s it. I could go on a walk with my phone not a shop because she stereotypes me with wanting to go partying during the pandemic.(that’s the last thing I want to do) I don’t think my grandma would fight for that she would probably think I was over reacting. I have talked to her daughter about it before and she said she had to deal with it to but the way she describes it it wasn’t half as bad and when I tell her not to tell my cousin she still does. I use being with my freinds(rarely got to do that before quarantine and can’t nor want to during the pandemic)video games, and coming on here as an escape but she will tell me I use to much screen time or and say it’s ridiculous how much I can play so I can only escape for about 5 hours a day.(I know these are not the best escape options and probably not healthy but it’s what I got)

 

[JuiceBox52]

Strange in a harmless way.
I use my phone for TTF and she dosnt check it. If my phone gets a message she will look at it and see what it is but that’s it. I could go on a walk with my phone not a shop because she stereotypes me with wanting to go partying during the pandemic.(that’s the last thing I want to do) I don’t think my grandma would fight for that she would probably think I was over reacting. I have talked to her daughter about it before and she said she had to deal with it to but the way she describes it it wasn’t half as bad and when I tell her not to tell my cousin she still does. I use being with my freinds(rarely got to do that before quarantine and can’t nor want to during the pandemic)video games, and coming on here as an escape but she will tell me I use to much screen time or and say it’s ridiculous how much I can play so I can only escape for about 5 hours a day.(I know these are not the best escape options and probably not healthy but it’s what I got)

She really thinks you would go partying? I dont know of any people your age partying, let alone right now

 

[JuiceBox52]

I think there might be a way to get free counseling over the phone, but I forget what organization it is. I'll look into it for you

 

[PhantomCarp]

She really thinks you would go partying? I dont know of any people your age partying, let alone right now

Yep I don’t know any one to. I am a all A and Bs Geek partying Is not realy my thing.

 

[FishFinatic77]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It's really not fair. Unfortunately I'm not going to be much help with this. But, I just wanted to say that, if you ever need someone to talk to, there are lots of people on here, including myself, who would be willing to listen to whatever you need to get off your chest.

 

[PhantomCarp]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It's really not fair. Unfortunately I'm not going to be much help with this. But, I just wanted to say that, if you ever need someone to talk to, there are lots of people on here, including myself, who would be willing to listen to whatever you need to get off your chest.

Thank you

 

[AdoraBelle Dearheart]

I use being with my freinds(rarely got to do that before quarantine and can’t nor want to during the pandemic)video games, and coming on here as an escape but she will tell me I use to much screen time or and say it’s ridiculous how much I can play so I can only escape for about 5 hours a day.(I know these are not the best escape options and probably not healthy but it’s what I got)

Not unhealthy escapes. There are far worse escapes out there, and we all have to cope somehow. Whether it's through spending time with your friends online or in person, or interacting with people here and indulging in a hobby you love, you're socialising with friends, getting some down time to relax, and learning. Screentime is very normal in this day and age, and I say that as someone who grew up without the internet

Yep I don’t know any one to. I am a all A and Bs Geek partying Is not realy my thing.

That's awesome, keep that up! Your spelling and written communication is much better than you've been told. You're obviously a bright, funny and hardworking person, and keeping your head down in school and making those grades will give you more options to get away and make your own life when you're old enough. You'll be able to support yourself and follow your dreams, and it's amazing that you're able to make those grades despite what you're going through at home. That's a credit to your character.

I hope @JuiceBox52 can help you find a phone counselor that can give you solid advice and help. We're all here for you no matter what as well!