This Weeks' "off Topic" Topic (26/03/12)

[Ludwig Venter]

The topic this week is in the form of a poll:

If you are aware of it that your best friend’s husband/wife/partner is having an affair....... what is the right thing to do...???

1. Tell..... even if the consequences means divorce/separation
2. Warn him/her that if it does not stop immediately.... you will tell.
3. Cover up for him/her to prevent your friend from getting hurt
4. Do not get involved..... just keep quiet
5. Just drop a hint and let the friend find out for him/herself
6. Ask someone else to inform your friend.

Have you ever been involved in such situation and how did it turn out?....

 

[Baccus]

Depending on how the relationship is going depends on how I would broach the subject with the friend. Often the cheated on partener already has an inkling of something not right in the relationship but being told out right never boades well for the person doing the informing. And then keeping quiet when you knew about an affair only comes back to bite you later with the friend throwing accusations around while they are still hurt and angry about the break down of their relationship.

 

[snazy]

I think everyone deserves to know the truth regardless of the situation or consequences. However, I would only tell if it's happening to a very close person and I am sure about it. If you can't rely on your friends to tell you the truth then who else?

 

[CezzaXV]

I wouldn't enjoy telling them, but I would have to. My sister was actually in this situation a few years ago, and the girl who was cheating still hates my sister to this day. The guy who was cheated on though is happy with another girl now though so I guess it worked out okay.

As I said though, I would have to. I don't deem it moral or immoral whether you tell them or not, as it's the cheater who has done the immoral thing, I'd just be passing information on. It'd be tough though and I'd hate feeling like it was my fault I broke them up even though it wasn't really my fault. I would feel even worse though if I didn't say anything, especially if it came out years down the line and they broke up then, because I'd feel like I could have saved my friend all those wasted years when they could have been with somebody faithful.

Depending on the closeness of the friend and the circumstances surrounding it, I might be tempted to write it in a letter or email though to explain it fully so they can have it there in black and white and my reasons for knowing it without them getting emotional, forgetting details etc.

 

[moochy13]

id give the 'cheater' a chance to tell my friend whats going, and if he/she doesnt, i would.

 

[ZoddyZod]

I enjoy the simple life and I'm not a fan of confrontation.....so it's "Do not get involved" for me.

 

[Livewire88]

If it was my best mate I would grass the other half up straight away, and I would not have a problem it being known I was the one who told them.

 

[Squidward]

Interesting one this....

I work in a small office.
One of the ladies here has been having affairs for the past 18 months. When we first noticed this person's behaviour had changed, my boss told the rest of us that it was none of our business and we shouldn't raise the issue with her. Never mind mention something to the husband.

Her behaviour has been affecting her work (longer lunches, using the internet to meet men(she used my computer and I saw the internet history)), and she has been warned about that.

Did consider sending the husband an annonimous email telling him what is going on.
But then thought to myself, Did I really want that on my conscience. If he hasn't noticed anything, is it for me to point out? Is it for me to ruin his life and that of her kids? Clearly, her behaviour will do that when it all comes out. But I am not sure I should be the catalist.

 

[Ludwig Venter]

Ha! Ha!..... just a point of order here........ I notice the comments..... (interesting as they are) are escalating, but the voting remains the same..... Pleasevote as well....I'm really interested to see the outcome of this..... and also keep on commenting.....

Nice one there Squid.... I guess it is easy to say you'll tell, but when push comes to shove....... It'll be on your conscience if the spouse and kids suffer because of it..... It (the affair) may also just end naturally, then your intervention caused unnecessary hurt..... difficult one.

 

[Livewire88]

Interesting one this....

I work in a small office.
One of the ladies here has been having affairs for the past 18 months. When we first noticed this person's behaviour had changed, my boss told the rest of us that it was none of our business and we shouldn't raise the issue with her. Never mind mention something to the husband.

Her behaviour has been affecting her work (longer lunches, using the internet to meet men(she used my computer and I saw the internet history)), and she has been warned about that.

Did consider sending the husband an annonimous email telling him what is going on.
But then thought to myself, Did I really want that on my conscience. If he hasn't noticed anything, is it for me to point out? Is it for me to ruin his life and that of her kids? Clearly, her behaviour will do that when it all comes out. But I am not sure I should be the catalist.

I agree with what you are saying, but if the lady you are talking about was married to your best friend would you tell him? I would only get involved if the person on the wrong end of the stick was a best friend.

So if one of my best friends were cheating on their wifes, I would keep quiet and have done this in the past!

The old saying "WHAT GOES ON TOUR STAYS ON TOUR"

 

[snazy]

Nice one there Squid.... I guess it is easy to say you'll tell, but when push comes to shove....... It'll be on your conscience if the spouse and kids suffer because of it..... It (the affair) may also just end naturally, then your intervention caused unnecessary hurt..... difficult one.

I happened to be in the situation to find out my best friend's partner was cheating with no remorse. I broke the news to my friend. It resulted in breaking up the relationship and my friend was actually angrier that it took so long for someone to tell the truth. We are still friends 15 years later. What's wrong with saying the truth to the people you love?
There is a great difference between being a snitch and being a friend.

 

[Desdemona]

This is a tough one because there would be a lot of factors I would take into account.

Is the cheating a relationship? Was it a one night drunken mistake or a bad habit?

If it was one of those things that would be likely not to happen again, I wouldnt' tell, what is done is done. If it is something ongoing than I would probably tell the person to confess before I spill any beans. I would have a hard time not saying anything though. I have been cheated on so I know how painful it is to think that you were duped. In my case, it was a e-mail relationship for a long time and was only physical for a short time (he confessed) so not very many people knew about it. As soon as the cat was let out, though, the girl started telling EVERYONE. Like she thought she was hot #106### or something. *eye roll*

I would have loved to know sooner rather than when I found out (the timing on his part was horrible) and it would kill me to keep that kind of secret from anyone I cared about in any extent.

 

[Squidward]

Nice one there Squid.... I guess it is easy to say you'll tell, but when push comes to shove....... It'll be on your conscience if the spouse and kids suffer because of it..... It (the affair) may also just end naturally, then your intervention caused unnecessary hurt..... difficult one.

I suppose in this particular case, I don't really care. If she wants to sleep around and cheat on her husband, it's not not my problem.
If it was someone close to me it might be a different story.

I was cheated on by someone I was engaged to, so I guess I am quite sensative to the situation.

 

[CezzaXV]

Nice one there Squid.... I guess it is easy to say you'll tell, but when push comes to shove....... It'll be on your conscience if the spouse and kids suffer because of it..... It (the affair) may also just end naturally, then your intervention caused unnecessary hurt..... difficult one.

I suppose in this particular case, I don't really care. If she wants to sleep around and cheat on her husband, it's not not my problem.
If it was someone close to me it might be a different story.

I was cheated on by someone I was engaged to, so I guess I am quite sensative to the situation.

I don't know how it came out, but how angry would you have been if this information didn't come to light until after the wedding?

I may feel guilty if I told, but at the end of the day I'm not the one doing the truly immoral thing. Although I would feel guilty, I wouldn't consider that I'd done anything wrong. I'd be far more likely to tell if it was a proper relationship though. If it was a one night stand thing I'd be more likely to just say to the cheater not to let it happen again and leave it at that.

 

[Squidward]

I didnt intend to discuss my situation, but I guess I started so.....

I was busy writing the most important exams of my life. Had been studying very hard for a few weeks and wasn't around much.
One evening I had had enough, so turned up at her house unanounced. Fill in the gaps......

My exam technique wasn't good and I suffered from exam stress at the best of times.
So, when I wrote the exams a few days later, it didn't go too well.

My whole life was wrecked due to her behaviour.

Anyway, 14 years later I am happily married with 2 lovely kids, and I am in a good job. So it worked out well for me.
It was still a very painful experience though.