This Weeks' "off Topic" Topic (26/03/12)

[FishFanatic04]

Consider where your loyalties lie. If you really care about your friend, then you should be loyal to them, not the cheating jerk. It could be a good idea to warn the cheater that they have a day to tell your friend themselves. Then you don't have to bear the bad news. I would tell after that though, would you really want to live with a secret like that?

 

[Tokis-Phoenix]

I've been this situation before many years ago. Back then i would have said no to telling the truth, but these days i would say yes. And it was a complicated situation. Here's the story;



Many years ago me & my guy used to live on this street in a small Somerset town. Across the street was another couple, Scot & Jemma. We quickly became friends- i was good friends with Jemma, but my guy became best friends with Scot. They hung together all the time, almost like brothers to each other. It was fun days.

Scot & Jemma were a young couple (mid-twenties) but had been together since they were about 14 years old. They also had a little girl together (at the time just a toddler) called Courtney. There had been little love or affection in the relationship for quite some years, but once Courtney arrived on the scene (planned as well) no matter how loveless the relationship was by this point they decided to stay together for the sake of the child.
This however though did not stop Scot from cheating & having affairs behind Jemma's back. He had no intention of leaving Jemma (because of Courtney) but he also didn't see why he had to give up his happiness either. So he had the best of both worlds, cheating behind Jemma's back while also playing the loyal family man etc.

When i became aware of all he was doing behind Jemma's back (and he was quite open about it to us), i did consider telling Jemma. But i decided to play it safe, so instead one day in passing conversation while i was having a girly chat about marriage with Jemma (she wasn't married) i asked what would she do if Scot cheated on her. And she said she would leave him in an instant. She also said that while they weren't married, she wasn't against marriage at all and said if Scot proposed to her she would say "Yes" in an instant. She admitted the relationship was lacking in affection etc, but most of all she just wanted a traditional family (and in a weird way had sort of accepted her lot in life, which was a life of mediocrity with Scot).

I remember looking at Courtney...She was a really cute little girl. Happy, blonde, rosy cheeked. She loved her mum & she loved her dad. I realised that if i told Jemma about Scot's cheating, i would essentially be breaking up a family. And when i thought about i thought, what would i have to gain from all this? Nothing. Scot would hate me for grassing on him, Jemma would hate me for breaking her blissful ignorance, Courtney would grow up to hate me for breaking up her family. And i didn't even know the girls that Scot was sleeping with.

So in the end, i let it pass, and for the next couple of years things went on as per normal. Scot & Jemma raised Courtney together (he was a good dad, just a bad partner), Scot continued occasionally cheat on Jemma. And then one day they moved (they were live in a council house and got offered a bigger one, causing them to move to a different town).

Scot & my guy quite naturally wanted to stay in contact when Scot & Jemma moved, and so shortly after they had settled down we arranged to go out for a night together in their new town and then stay at their place overnight. We had a good night out, had a fair amount to drink (but not really drunk, just tipsy/happy drunk). Jemma was very tired when we got back and (more or less) went straight up to bed. Courtney was being looked after by her grandparents at their place. Me, my guy & Scot were in the sitting room together downstairs. My guy had drunk a fair amount and fell sound asleep on the sofa, which just left me & Scot chatting away (neither of us had drunk that much and we were both very awake).
And then thats when it happened...

As we were talking, out of nowhere Scot started to confess to me all these feelings. He told me all sorts of things like how he had always fancied me like no tomorrow but had hid it, and would do anything to be with me. He told me he would drop Jemma in an instant to be with me. I was totally taken off-guard! So i kept telling him to stop talking, that he was just saying these things because he had had a few drinks etc. But he just talked more & more, trying to come onto me.

I didn't know what to know. My guy was sleeping on the sofa just a few feet away from us, Jemma was sleeping upstairs. But i didn't want to wake anyone up and cause an explosive scene. I kept on thinking to myself "If only i can get this situation under control with talk then nothing bad would happen". But Scot just kept on saying more & more incriminating things, i kept on saying no, no, no, no...But i realised he had said too much for things to ever go back to normal. I couldn't believe him!! I mean why?!
And then my guy stirred in his sleep, and eventually Scot stopped talking. I had been pretty freaked out by the whole incident, but when everyone got up we just pretended nothing had happened.


My main fear was what to tell my guy! Him & Scot were really close! I could hardly not tell him about what happened. But on the other hand, i worried that if i did tell him he wouldn't believe me (and it would be my word against Scot's). So we were in the car driving back when all of a sudden he pulled over and asked me in a serious voice what happened that night. And without hesitation i told him absolutely everything, every detail...
And then he said to me, that he had actually been awake when it was going on. He had woken up in his sleep but kept his eye's shut because he couldn't believe what was going on. He had listened to most of the conversation. And it was good because all of a sudden i wasn't alone anymore in the situation. I had been honest with him and he know i was being honest with him.

But then what to do...?

My guy had been betrayed by his best friend in one of the worst ways imaginable.
And Jemma had been betrayed by her partner in one of the worst ways imaginable.
And in the middle of all this was innocent Courtney.

Did we tell Jemma about what happened that night under her roof? That would split the family up for sure.

I remember that day Scot kept on trying to phone my guy all day but my guy was so angry he didn't want to speak to him, so i picked up the phone instead. And Scot was angry at me, swearing at me and telling me he didn't want to have anything to do with me, he just wanted to speak to Stu etc.


In the end...
We decided it was best not to tell Jemma. And i did for Courtneys sake. And for many years i thought i had made the right decision (continued in a moment).

 

[Tokis-Phoenix]

(Continued) Anyways...The things that i learnt over the following months & years that changed my opinion about not telling Jemma;


1. A week or so after the incident, my guy told about how he knew Scot had ruined a previous best friendship he had with a guy some years previously in almost exact detail. But my guy had never thought to bring the knowledge of this incident up with me before because he thought that Scot would never do such a thing again (and particularly not to him).

2. Over the years Scot not only stayed with Jemma but they actually had another child together.
And i couldn't understand this.
It was fair enough the two of them staying together for Courtneys sake, but the relationship really was very poor and they both openly admitted this. It was totally loveless, lacking of affection & romance/passion. They really did come of as two people who were just together because they had to be, totally cold towards one another. But then why did they decide to have another child? Having one child in a loveless cold relationship is bad enough, but then intentionally bringing a second child into it...?

3. We always felt that Scot should be given a chance to tell Jemma in his own time. And we thought that regardless if he didn't, Jemma would surely suspect something sooner or later. Afterall, my guy & Scot had suddenly gone from hanging out together all the time to never seeing each other again, and everything had changed since that fateful night. SURELY she would notice something wasn't right, right?
But no...
A few years after the incident my guy was riding his motorbike when he went down to this pub that a lot of bikers go to. He bumped into Scot, Jemma was with him. It was a bit awkward, but pleasant enough. And then Jemma said to him "Are you and Liz still together?" and he said "Well of course"- she looked a bit miffed and he didn'think much more of it. Soon enough they went their separate ways.

But these days i have no doubt about what probably actually happened. Jemma must have noticed the fact that Scot was not hanging out with either me or Stu. But when she questioned him about it he probably told her that I had come onto him that night and that Stu had tried to cover it up and thats why we weren't talking anymore. And she most likely believed him. Afterall i certainly wasn't the first girl (in a relationship or otherwise) that he had tried his luck with, and he had somehow gotten away with this behaviour behind Jemma's back for years, pulling the wool over her eyes. And i certainly don't doubt that i was the last (not even breaking up a previous best friendship had stop his ways, so what else would?).



So in the end...Somewhere in Somerset i probably have a pretty bad reputation for something i never did. And Scot & Jemma continued on their farce of a relationship. Jemma never questioned anything nor ever contacted me from the day of that incident onwards. I still don't doubt that if she had known the truth she would have left Scot. And Scot has most likely continued to cheat on her, while bringing more children into the world that'll never know parents who love each other.
I really think that if Scot had been serious about being there for Courtneys sake he wouldn't have cheated on Jemma. If he had been a good man he wouldn't have tried to seduce 2 best friends girlfriends. And if Jemma had been a stronger woman, she more had demanded more in life than a man who didn't love her (and wasn't even well paid). If she had been with him for Courtney's sake then she wouldn't have planned another child to add to what was already a very long standing problematic relationship.

I always thought i was protecting something by not tellling the truth with her, but over the years i've just come to the realisation that their relationship is pretty much a joke. There was a lot they could have done for Courtney but they didn't.
And at the time i suffered a lot in this whole situation. It put my relationship at very real risk, it made me feel bad about myself. I racked my brain with moral dilema's only to realise that in the end, Scot was a selfish cheating coward who couldn't care less about doing what was right to me, my guy, Courtney or Jemma. Scot was the one screwing up the relationship, his life, and not me.

Its too late now to tell Jemma what happened, years have passed now. But quite simply, if i re-lived the situation again i would now tell her.

Honesty really is the best policy.

 

[FishFanatic04]

That's how I see. Everyone meddles in everyone else lives anyway. We are always giving our opinions and thoughts to people. SOmetimes a little honesty and pain now, will save every Years of pain later. Just make sure to take your friend to a bar after they break up and get them a good rebound

 

[CezzaXV]

I found that to be a very interesting story Tokis, thanks for sharing.

See, that's why I would tell if I felt the cheating was that bad. You can never assume they're going to figure it out by themselves and things will happen of their own accord. If my relationship broke down because of cheating, I would hate to think that someone could have told me years ago and all the years I'd spent since then with my boyfriend had been wasted, especially if we'd got married, had kids etc since. It's also possible to feel guilty about telling them but you can also feel very bad about not telling as well. It's not a great situation to be in but the way I see it is that it's the cheater has done the immoral thing, not you. I don't consider the choice whether to tell or not on a moral level anywhere near that.