Hoping I don’t become my mother as I age…

[Magnum Man]

Spent over 4 hours in the ER last night with mom… she’s 87, and has become a little princess… no pain tolerance every time this happens, there is nothing wrong with her, and they send us home, after several hours, and tests, and pain meds… she doesn’t do anything but sit in her recliner, and watch tv she went down in the elevator to visit friends, and check her mail, and couldn’t stand up this time

 

[Oldspartan]

My mom had began to have similar traits. My brother and sil, Linda and I took turns going to her home and basically making her get up and move. After about six months. She now goes for a daily walk to the park weather permitting without us. She is 91 and pretty healthy.

 

[Magnum Man]

I think Part of the issue is there are not enough care facilities here , so the county provides “services” so she takes advantage of not “having” to do anything… she did have a calcium removal surgery on her spine many years ago, and never would do the physical therapy, so she “walks” ( I chew her out all the time for trying to lay across her walker… she just has gotten lazy, with the services she gets… the only mobility really, other than checking her mail on the main floor via the elevator, once a week, is I take her to lunch every Friday, and she has to get into my truck ( lots of handles and a side step) but that’s the only physical activity in the week… and I have to force her to do that if she wants to have lunch with me… and she is fully capable of doing it, but would rather I bring her lunch to eat in her chair…

 

[Colin_T]

I spent 30 years complaining of not feeling well and everyone called me a hypochondriac and said it's all in your head. It turned out I had 37 ulcers in my digestive tract and some we 2 inches across. Currently I have breathing problems and cough up blood, my heart is failing and the skin on my legs is degrading and falling off. The dermatologist (skin specialist) I went to on Monday reckons I have dry skin. That's a crock of dung. Dry skin doesn't cause pieces of skin 3 inches long x 1 inch wide to peel off when touched with a damp tissue and show muscle tissue underneath, and this started after I got poisoned by a pesticide. Lung specialist says I have asthma. I ask if you cough up blood when you have asthma and they say no. My doc reckons my heart and blood pressure are fine because every time I am there my blood pressure is close to normal. I am not stressed out there but I am at home.

If the doctors aren't interested in finding the problem, they don't look for the problem. Juicebox here on the forum went from doctor to doctor for years before they figured out what was wrong with her.

Assuming the doctors are actually doing all the tests they can and they have definitely confirmed there is nothing wrong with her, maybe it's all in her head or she likes the attention. However, maybe there is actually something wrong and the doctors aren't looking in the right places.

How long has she been alone for?
Is your dad still alive?
Does she have any pets or a reason to get up in the morning?

Exercise is essential for every animal on the planet. It helps circulate the blood and keep organs functioning. It keeps muscle mass up, which helps the body work normally. If she is sitting at home all days she may have given up on life and is just waiting to die. A small dog might give her companionship and a reason to go outside for a walk each day. An exercise bike or encouraging her to do weights at home can help. She doesn't need a weight set or home gym but if she lifts up a plastic milk bottle with 2 litres of milk in 20 or 30 times a day it can help build muscle in weak people.

Maybe get her to a counsellor and see if she has had enough of life or is depressed. She might even have the start of a mental health problem that they can identify.

 

[TwoTankAmin]

I took both of my parents through old age and death. Dad chose to die. He had chronic renal failure and refused to do dialysis and would not go on the transplant list. I said he could have one of my kidneys if we matched, but he refused that. His end took close to 2 years. The problem was he did not suffer, the rest of the family did. The kidneys would turn off, he would become a bit psychotic and then they would kick back in, but not as strong. So over two years he ramped down continually interspersed with complications. When the toxins built up during the quit periods it was crazy.

We live in the woods. At the time we had dad with a home health aide. One late night dad decided he wanted to go for a walk in the woods. The aide would not let him. The next thing I knew there were flashing lights and several police cars in the driveway. Dad called the polices and told then he was being held prisoner in the home. In the end, we had to put him into skilled nursing care which is where he passed. Mom could not handle any of this so I did it all. When dad passed in late 98 at age 88, it was actually a relief in many respects.

And then came mom. She began running down hill and by her late 80s she was dealing with dementia. This only got worse over the years. She fell a lot, broke hips and eventually her right arm above the elbow. Her bones were too fragile to pin and they never healed. She died at home at 96 under hospice care. I was in charge of it all.

The worst part of it all with both of them was that in their final years they were not the same people. They were both not in their real minds for their final years. They were irrational, demanding, hard to handle but still my parents who had raised me and cared for me for a good part of my life. In her final years my mom and I would have extended nonsense conversations. Nothing made sense but I was happy to do them as it seemed to make her happy even if our discussion made no sense what-so-ever.

I did learn one thing from all of this. I do not want to have the end of my life be like theirs. I will choose not to let that happen if that time comes.

edited for spelling and typos

 

[gwand]

My dear mother never drank or smoked but became mildly demented at 75 and died in a head on crash driving the wrong way down a one way road. My father drank like a fish, smoked and carried on. He lived until 92 of sound mind. Will see which way I go out.

 

[GaryE]

I have a tendency towards laziness. I don't exercise enough, and I am very aware of that tendency. Now that I can't pretend you are only as old as you feel, I have to push myself. Kids, we are as old as we are.
We all have to learn this. I know too many people for whom retirement is watching game shows and daytime TV while almost willing away their health and vitality.
Last week, a tall skinny old tourist of about 95 walked past me - all skin and bones and bright eyes taking in a new place. He was having a really good time. I want to be like that.
When I taught in a college, I had an 86 year old student in with all the 18 year olds. He had done his High School by correspondence after retirement, then qualified for college (free here) and went for it because he wanted it badly. He was a great guy. Over a few years, he worked his butt off , got his certificate and died a few weeks later, quite suddenly. One of the kids asked me what I thought he'd worked toward, and I felt he'd worked toward being completely alive and stimulated by what he didn't know yet.
Some of us get stopped by our bodies breaking down, and life can create serious obstacles. I have the luxury of being able to work part time in retirement, and to be able to travel a little and have some fun. My wife is a cancer survivor, and says if we have the money and the idea, we do it immediately. She seemed completely fine one day, and the next, a routine screening saved her life (after leading to a couple of really bad years). There's no more waiting a couple of years til it all seems right. When you turn 60, you become a duck in a shooting gallery for bored gods.

When we live with elderly people who have made different choices it can be scary (I hear Jeopardy music wafting up the stairs). Time to take the dog for a walk.

 

[TwoTankAmin]

This has been my theme song for a while. You are all welcome to adopt it for yourselves.

(The next song up after the above is one of my all time favs by the band which is also one of my all time favorites.)

 

[Lcc86]

My mum is similar, has knee issues but refuses to do any physiotherapy or exercise because it "hurts" and expects surgical miracles without putting any work in during the rehab phase. Just relies on painkillers. Can barely get up and down the stairs at home but for some bizarre reason decided to get a puppy.... luckily my dad is still around but if anything happens to him in future I guess I'm stuck with a dog I don't really want or have time for.

I have arthritis in my spine already and I exercise in spite of any pain because I know I need to keep moving. My mum is only 70 so in theory could have a decade or more of good mobility if she put the effort in, and I'm determined not to end up in a similar situation. I know I'll never be 100% pain free but one thing I've taken away from my experience and various medical professionals is movement is key! (Finding balance of course).

 

[Colin_T]

My mum is similar, has knee issues but refuses to do any physiotherapy or exercise because it "hurts" and expects surgical miracles without putting any work in during the rehab phase. Just relies on painkillers. Can barely get up and down the stairs at home but for some bizarre reason decided to get a puppy.... luckily my dad is still around but if anything happens to him in future I guess I'm stuck with a dog I don't really want or have time for.

Get her an exercise bike. It takes the weight and pressure off the joints (hips, knees and ankles) and will let her sit at home watching tv while building up her leg muscles. People with strong leg muscles have better balance and are less likely to fall down. It will also improve her cardio health.

 

[GaryE]

I think there is a way we can gain from the previous generation's experiences as few generations have before.

Lifespans have increased. In most countries, life expectancy is increasing. We have better science, better medical care, vaccines, treatments for diseases that recently killed us quickly, etc. We see people we know living to ages our parents would not have seen.

So we see what happens in ways our parents may not have. Sure, people had long lives before, but they were exceptional. Now, getting older is the norm. People whose lifestyles or genetics would have killed them by 60 are living to 75 and beyond. When I look around, I see the people who are active as the ones who seem to be living the best lives.

The brain is part of the body, and using it, as well as using the legs and arms and heart matters.

Luck has a lot to do with it - poverty, accidents, and genetics take things out of our hands sometimes. But the general patterns seems to be that you move and be active, or you slide away. I've seen athletic people develop dementia and go for years with it - not the best of fates. There are no rules or predictable outcomes in this random life of ours (I'm one of those people who believes nothing happens for a reason, although everything has a cause and effect). I am going to try to keep moving, even though I kind of like sitting on my butt with online entertainment like this forum, hate gyms and loathe exercise for exercise's sake. I still have to bite the bullet and get it done.

As a community, we just lost Byron Hoskings, a wonderful man who posted here until he was no longer able to. Through his long battle to stay alive with cancer, he seemed to want his normal, which was listening to people and trying to present his thought and experience to help them enjoy fishkeeping as much as he did. You have to admire a person like that, and maybe learn more than just facts about fish and nature from them.

 

[Lcc86]

Get her an exercise bike. It takes the weight and pressure off the joints (hips, knees and ankles) and will let her sit at home watching tv while building up her leg muscles. People with strong leg muscles have better balance and are less likely to fall down. It will also improve her cardio health.

She has one but doesn't use it

 

[TwoTankAmin]

I have a good fish friend and customer in CA who is a joint replacement nurse. Her main job involves getting the patients to exercise almost to death both before and especially after knee replacement. She also trains nursing and rehab folks as well. My brother had one done not real long ago and he pushed himself every day and did the PT religiously. He is in his 70s. It made a difference in his recovery.

What my friend explained is more-so than other replacements, for knees is it essential to exercise very hard using the pain meds to help. Failure to do the exercises will leave one in awful shape and unlikely to recover anywhere near as well as is possible for those who do the work.


edited for the usual typos and spelling mistakes
(My brain knows how to type, my fingers are dyslexic.)

 

[Naughts]

In most countries, life expectancy is increasing.

Interestingly this does not include the US and UK, who have decreasing lifespans. Reasons sited include covid (obviously but also…), obesity, diabetes, increased heart disease and opioid overdoses, as well as fractured health systems.

 

[Magnum Man]

I’m in Mayo’s backyard, and I’ll go as far as saying they are bad for the health care system… they have poster up in the ER’s stating they are a not for profit, and ask for donations constantly, yet are taking over all the small town hospitals, and closing them up, to eliminate the competition, they may be a non profit, in the way that they spend all the money on new purchases, and administration, so they don’t have to pay taxes… they’ve been building ambulance garages in place of local hospitals, and clinics, so it’s necessary to drive or be hauled 100 miles… then anything they have actually running, they run so lean, you can’t see a doctor, and are forced to video conference with a doctor, if you actually need to see one… elderly are totally being bypassed which certainly is not increasing lifespans in our area… my mother at 87 has no primary care physician, my wife’s uncle, who is 93 and I’m memory care, is forced to video conference and he doesn’t even understand that that is his doctor anymore