Am I being too much of a stickler? (AITA)

[Ellie Potts]

Hey guys! I feel like I say this in every post now but... I'm a college student! And many of my friends take a liking to my aquarium and plants and adjacent hobbies--sometimes all they need is to come over and watch the tank until they feel better.

Well recently one of my friends told me they want to set up an aquarium. Which is exciting! But I was a little bit nervous about it because, although I have a lot of fun with them, they're not exactly the most consistent person I know. In talking about the basic responsibilities of maintaining a tank I brought up the fact that this particular friend tends to smoke in their room, lights candles, and is a little haphazard about spraying cleaning products. We only get one small room, so anything in the air will be in the same area as the tank. I mentioned that this could be a problem, and they responded by saying "oh well then I'll just try and smoke outside more and use the window if I can't," but I'm not sure that's enough. I'm feeling a little bit guilty in helping them set something up when they could be endangering a living animal. I get the feeling they want to set it up for the attention of having people excited about it, and not due to an interest in the hobby or the fish or the science behind it all.

am I being dramatic by not wanting to help out and guiding them towards a houseplant instead? or are my concerns valid? I talked to my best friend who said that it doesn't matter that much, but he's not a fish person and doesn't really understand the hobby altogether.

 

[TwoTankAmin]

There are rom air filters that can help. When I began keeping fish I was a big smoker. almost 2 packs of 100s a day. I began to notice as film on the surface in a number of the tanks in the room where I spend the most ime ans smoked the most cigarettes. So I got an Ionic Breeze air cleaner (one of the best at tthat time).

It grabbed all the smoke and boy do the parts I had to clean get nasty. The only thing I found that dissolved the build up was 409 spray cleaner. I had to clean that device almost weekly for years befor I managed to quit smoking after over 45 years. it has now been about 13 years since I quit. The air cleaner quit before I did But not very much before. I no longer see the grey film on the surface of tanks

They also stopped making that air purifier a while back. This is what they now sell Ionic Comfort Quadra Air Purifier I cannot comment on if it is any good or not.

 

[WhistlingBadger]

Cool thing about being in college: Your friends are grownups, at least technically. Sure, try to guide them toward a house plant if you think that's best, or if they're determined, help them set up an aquarium the right way, if you want to. If you don't want to, feel free to wash your hands of the entire thing. Either way, they'll make their own decisions, and you don't have to feel responsible for that. Keeping that in mind can be a weight off.

 

[GaryE]

There's nothing you can do, except maybe be busy when buying the gear comes up. Grown ups will do what they do, often badly. In six months, maybe you can get an empty tank for nothing...

People can smoke in college dorms? You'd get evicted for that up here.

The next time you see this person, you should rave about making fish out of pipe cleaners.

 

[CaptainBarnicles]

Unfortunately you're not the boss of them and they can do what they want and when inevitably their fish die, they'll get bored and want to get rid of all their gear...which means you get first dibs! So be a good friend and help them choose good quality

 

[Fishmanic]

One thing that would help is give them a link to TFF . We’ll keep them in line.

 

[connorlindeman]

Make the hobby seem really expensive. Recommend ADA products only. The will soon realize it's not worth it.

 

[jaylach]

If they insist on doing a tank in a small space and smoke about all you can do is to try to advise them to make the place as nontoxic as possible. Here are some possibilities.
Smokeless ashtray
No cleaners that contain bleach or ammonia.
Frequent and large water changes.
If any air pumps are used, sponge media over the intakes that are often changed.
Under populate the tank.

Don't just try to get this person interested in something else. Stress the time and money involved.

 

[otterblue]

I like your conscientiousness. I personally don't think the smoke would hurt them & maybe they could throw a towel over the tank before spraying something (or just not use spray).

 

[Ellie Potts]

Hi everyone! Here's my update:
I first want to clarify that the smoking is a concern for me BUT it isn't the only one. They're just not consistent. They wouldn't be willing to research, I don't think they'd be great about water changes, and they don't care that much about the fish in general. The smoking problems were kind of my excuse to not be supportive of it without insulting their character. But when they decided they wanted to do this, they picked up a free tank off of Facebook marketplace and started asking just how necessary a filter is.
This all started about a week ago. I haven't been told the exact order of events, but my guess is they were scrolling online, found a free tank, remembered mine, and decided why not. They didn't want to spend the money I advised they do so I stepped back and let them handle it. My post was prompted when after a few days of "cycling" with no test kit they asked me to go get fish with them (I have a car, they don't). They've been managing it on their own and finally this morning reached out to me to ask if I'd take it. Without doing additional research from our conversation, they've caused a massive algae bloom and don't want to clean it. They've admitted they may not be suited for this particular hobby. You guys were right to just leave them be and let them figure it out on their own. I'm not going to take the tank-not only does the school not allow us to collect them, but we're in the thick of finals and I don't have time to fix their water chemistry. Not to mention they have no decent equipment.

To answer some questions/comments

Cool thing about being in college: Your friends are grownups, at least technically. Sure, try to guide them toward a house plant if you think that's best, or if they're determined, help them set up an aquarium the right way, if you want to. If you don't want to, feel free to wash your hands of the entire thing. Either way, they'll make their own decisions, and you don't have to feel responsible for that. Keeping that in mind can be a weight off.

This is a good way to think about it, it gets rid of the non-existent obligation

There's nothing you can do, except maybe be busy when buying the gear comes up. Grown ups will do what they do, often badly. In six months, maybe you can get an empty tank for nothing...

People can smoke in college dorms? You'd get evicted for that up here.

The next time you see this person, you should rave about making fish out of pipe cleaners.

Turns out it only takes a week
No, you technically cannot smoke in the dorms. They just ignore that rule and haven't gotten caught (yet). Lol! Maybe I will

One thing that would help is give them a link to TFF . We’ll keep them in line.

One of the biggest red flags... when I offered up my super cool, super nerdy, incredibly fun forum, they didn't even want to join

I suppose sometimes we just meet people who need to realize on their own that we're not full of crap, lesson learned

 

[Ellie Potts]

Somehow, they had gotten someone to drive them to a petco (not the LFS I recommended despite it being equally as far) so they could pick out fish. I'm not going to find a home for the tank or their pet algae, but I'll see if the owner of the LFS wants the fish and, if not, bring them back to Petco.

Most of these updates I didn't know because after I stepped back we stopped talking and I only found out what happened as they explained why I needed to take their tank.

 

[CaptainBarnicles]

a week?? That must be a record

 

[BleuTheBetta]

Their fault that they didn’t listen to you… I wonder what’ll happen to their fish. At least you can say I told you so….

 

[GaryE]

I suppose sometimes we just meet people who need to realize on their own that we're not full of crap, lesson learned

The important thing is not to marry one of them. Okay, back to meditating in my fish filled mountainside cave!

 

[jaylach]

People that make decisions without any research or paying attention to one that has knowledge can be a pain... If you can save the fish, fine but I wouldn't bail them out in any other way. If you do it just empowers them to make rash decisions in the future as they just feel that someone will bail them out without their having to take responsibility.

Just my opinion.