It's Self Harm Awareness Day...

[Blubble37]

just thought I'd say this...

Copied from one of my FB posts BTW

I wont copy the whole thing as it has references to knives and explicit language... and I don't especially want to be banned by the mods...

just think of what it will do to you, and think of what that person has driven you to... instead of harming yourself, do nothing, and find a wall to scream at, the wall will listen and show more sorrow for you than the people who drove you to the edge in the first place - plus, a wall wont ever shout, scream or hit you back...

And if you really have to do something - and you feel that you just can't face telling a teacher or an adult (been there...), then hit them, hit them in public ad hit them in front of a teacher, and hit them hard... because they are too scared to take the first punch because at heart they are worthless... and if they hit you back, then they get in trouble as well... and the chances are that they are thick enough to do it, but just by doing that one simple thing... you have shown that you are stronger in will than them and that you aren't afraid of anything they do and they will see this...

wierd characters removed...

 

[fishkeeper694]

love this post xx

 

[Blubble37]

cool beans

 

[Blubble37]

for any of you who do actually want to see the full post... here it is...

http/www.facebook.com/Sadnessss/posts/334916536560491

 

[MBOU]

Too many people briefly glance at this post and it means so little to them...

So I am going to add my thoughts and see if anyone cares.

I used to self harm. I used to cut myself amongst other things. How does that make you feel?

How do you think it made me feel?

I have got over my fear, my embarassment. I do NOT get upset by what other people think of me. The more i practise and tell myself this, the more I make this true. I have been ashamed for years and now I realise its not me that should be ashamed, but those who react badly or unkindly towards me for this.

I work in what might be your LFS. I wear polo shirts because I have to, i'm fishing fish out of tanks day in and day out. People stare, whether they comment or not. The sneers and jeers, the whispers and glares. The muttered oath under the breath. The sharp intake of breath. The glance you give to your other half over my shoulder.

You think I dont notice that? You think Im not aware of who and what is behind me wherever I am any more? I might not be able to see you but I hear every twitch and what and how it was made, i hear you turning slightly to face someone on my other side and i KNOW that look.

My scars are nothing, barely viseable unless caught in the light of the fishtank but when seen. Its obvious. Neat rows of even scars from wrist to elbow. It could hardly be anything else.

You react in horror... you cringe, you wonder how on earth someone can do that to themselves.

Do you stop to think of the horrors and tradgedy these people may have gone through to cause them to do this to themselves?

Do you realise who honestly difficult it is to completely overcome human nature and defy all logic in order to cause yourself intentional harm.

Why do you think someone would go so far? Harm themselves because the want attention, cant cope with trivial things, dont get their own way or because its the sytle? Whats expected of 'goths' and 'emo'. Because friends do or because someone expects you to.

How how about they have suffered a trauma or traumas in their life, bullying or abused, a tragic accident.. experienced personally or seen. A loss of control over aspects of life. A death.

Why do they do it? To impress people? Why? What sickness would cause them to want to do that?

To cause a pain on the outside that they can heal. Put cream on.. put a plaster on... to look after. To heal. Each time its a healing process, to create a would on the outside that can be healed in order to cope with the wounds on the inside that this person just cant manage to heal!

Or to create pain for the one person they are angry at. Themselves. Do they blame themselves for the things that have happened?

Or to protect those around them? Create pain for themselves to look after and cope with so that their family and friends dont have to suffer. Dont have to know.

There are so many factors. But know its not lightly that someone hurts themselves. Its portrayed that people do it for stupid reasons.. but really.. this is very rarely the case.

So many people suffer in silence. Self harming doesnt have to involve cutting oneself. Eating disorders like anorexia and bulemia could be counted, compulsive hair pulling (trichotillomania), burning yourself, taking pills to make oneself very sick but not to kill, punching oneself, punching walls to make fists hurt, bashing your head against something... deliberately putting oneself in dangerous situations.

The numbers are that 1 in 10 people self harm one way or another at some point in their life. So if you think of the names of 10 of your mates.. and consider that the statistics say.. one of your mates has self harmed.

How does that make you feel?

What if its your family? Think of 10 members of your family.. and then the fact that statistics say that one of those has probably self harmed in one way or another.

Does that change how you feel? How would you react if you discovered someone you knew/cared about/loved was self harming. Would you take the selfish path and think that they are attention seeking and pathetic/silly, a nutcase...

People think that self harming is attention seeking. It is. But not all attention seeking is bad, if you are seeking attention because you need it, you need help, how can it be bad?

There is a song (ignore the band is listed as a Christian rock band as really, very few songs show it) by a band called Plumb. Its a very important sond to people who dont undrstand, people who have selfharmed and to people who have considered it.

Its a beautiful song and lyrically... well... i always thing of it as my song, there is one verse that is pretty much story of my life.

Plumb - Cut

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile frame aged
With misery
And when our eyes meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

(my verse i think!)
I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut

http/www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJkqkWIpFAI

-----

I think the lyric that confuses a lot of people is 'the only anaesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside'.

It obviously refers to cutting, creating pain is an anaesthetic compared to the pain felt inside but an anaesthetic makes you feel numb.. which is a feeling and a step up from nothing. But knowing you are selfharming kills you inside too.

Its a vicous circle to ever find yourself stuck in and the best thing you can ever do is find someone to talk to, whether a friend or a parent, a teacher or a proffesional. DO IT! It can change your life!

The Samaritans in the UK or RAINN (i think!) in the USA are there to help you, it is all volunteer, because people enjoy helping others. If anyone wants to talk to me, I am always happy to. About anything.

Never keep it to yourself, there is always someone who cares and understands those feelings well enough

 

[Man of fish]

This is a nice post

 

[coldcazzie]

MBOU, I didn't post because it's too close to the bone for me, because if I have a bad day that urge is still my fall back position. Don't get those days nearly so often now, but I do still get them occasionally.

 

[MBOU]

ColdCazzie. Be strong! There are always things you can do that do less damage. But I understand completely. Because I generally have elestic bands round my wrists all day (for tying fish bags) if i get really upset or angry which atm is a lot, i just snap one of the elastic bands as hard as i can.

Its not addictive so much as that it genuinly works, it really does heal or is a way to express such angry and hatred that sometimes just... not doing it doesnt make sense, the logic is that if it works... you want to keep doing it. You have to REALLY not want to do it and be able to forgive yourself for slipping up sometimes. Kind of like dieting, bloomin difficult and then you have a cake and give up the diet. But if you want to lose weight, you have to keep going, one slip up or not.

I think its funny, but the more I speak to people on the forums, just from how, when and what they say... i seem to be fairly good at guessing who else my be/have been a self harmer or depressed or along those lines. I can think of a few members I wouldnt be surprised to admit it off the top of my head, im not naming names lol... but I wonder if anyone else will come forward. Its strangely liberating lol

But do look after yourself CC hun, dont like to think of anyone hurting!

 

[Blubble37]

Thanks MBOU appreciated

 

[StandbySetting]

Fantastic thread and great post MBOU, peoples attitude to mental health these days sucks, there's still some kind of stigma attached to it and it's ridiculous.

 

[ainsy]

Fantastic thread and great post MBOU, peoples attitude to mental health these days sucks, there's still some kind of stigma attached to it and it's ridiculous.

I agree completely - Thanks to both Bubble and Mbou.

Unless you have had mental health problems or know somebody that has it is very easy to be dismissive and say 'Oh pull yourself together'. It is an illness as valid as any other but people tend to forget this or not sympathise because you can't put a sticking plaster on a brain.

 

[Blubble37]

oh lordy... i went out in cambridge today in bright sunlight and i couldn't work out why i kept getting funny looks... then i looked at my arm... and there they were, all 32 of them staring me back in the face... and they laughed... they laughed.

and it hurt a lot... i now really dont want to go back to cambridge ever again...

 

[coldcazzie]

ColdCazzie. Be strong! There are always things you can do that do less damage.

You have to REALLY not want to do it and be able to forgive yourself for slipping up sometimes. Kind of like dieting, bloomin difficult and then you have a cake and give up the diet. But if you want to lose weight, you have to keep going, one slip up or not.

That was it, it was a promise to someone else that was the clincher, not particularly that I wanted to stop. And since promising I haven't slipped up, because I don't want to break that promise more than I need the therapy of the cut. It's been 5 years 2.5 months now, and I've had good times and bad times, but I have progressively found myself having more good times than bad and only get those bad days on rare occasions now.

 

[fluttermoth]

Great posts, Blubble and MBOU; and well done cazzie! That's really brilliant

So, I'm another self harmer *sighs* (wonder if I was one of the people you guessed, MBOU?!)

Haven't done it for a long time now but, like you MBOU, have a lovely pattern of horizontal scars up my left arm. I am totally conscious of it, 100% of the time; still hide it from my mum, as I wouldn't want to upset her; it's not her fault I turned out this way.

I still feel there's an awful lot of ignorance around the subject; the more it's talked about the better, IMO.

I do the elastic band thing as well; it does help.

 

[MBOU]

Flutter. I want you to know before i dissapear that I love you to bits for admitting it! Admitting to what your brain will perceive as a weakness because everyone else thinks so is is a huge bonus! A strength!

So far:

Myself
ColdCazzie
Fluttermoth

Who else is brave enough to defy what is considered right and wrong? No offense but to me. Tonight. It is really important that someone cares. Reply to the post. I dont care if you have self harmed or just thought about it because the step is so small.

As of 10pm UK I will be requesting to leave this forum through no fault of my own. There is no choice in this. And tonight... a year or so or not.. if anyone cares... tell me so.. because even i you read thispost... write "i have read this" and i will know you care but have no words like me. If you care... it means the world. If you have read this far... you care.. so say so... will make the world of difference to me!