BigFishSmallPond
Fish Crazy
Truth. If you forgive him that will just let him know how easy it is to get away with abusing you. Now I must stop reading this thread cuz it makes me wanna go smash the first dude i see lookin at his woman wrong.
-ak
Closed
- Thread starter Raechal
- Start date
Truth. If you forgive him that will just let him know how easy it is to get away with abusing you. Now I must stop reading this thread cuz it makes me wanna go smash the first dude i see lookin at his woman wrong.
-ak
BigLou
Fish Fanatic
Yeah, it's pretty messed up what he did, but I also thinks it's messed up that people are telling you to break up with him from this one instance. People do stupid things when they get mad, he just needs to work on it. When/if he comes back, you guys should have a long, serious talk about how he reacts to things. Living together probably has a big part of how he reacts...living together makes people TOO comfortable with each other. Wait to do that until you guys get married (not saying you have to marry him, in general, wait to live together until you get married). You breaking up with him in anger wouldn't be good, because you'd be doing the same thing as he did...overreacting. The thing with getting mad or upset, is to deal with it maturely, not emotionally. When my girlfriend and I have a disagreement, which talk about it, in order to not get pissed off at each other. Gotta take care of things before they get out of hand. Two years is a lot of time together, and I'm happy to see people that actually believe in relationships anymore, not just "dating" a million and one people to have "fun" and whatnot. Only you can decide on whether you guys break up, but don't base it solely on this. If he did something to you...that's one thing, but he didn't. (actually...if my girlfriend hit me for any reason I'd probably dumb HER). But that's beside the point. There's my two cents, hope things work out.
Oh...and it seems like he's interested in fish, since he bought some that he liked. Maybe you guys can make that something you both can talk about, by teaching him what he needs to know. Maybe let him take over one of your tanks to make it his and let him put whatever fish he wants in, and if he wants to learn the hard way that not all fish can live together, at least he'll learn.
Oh...and it seems like he's interested in fish, since he bought some that he liked. Maybe you guys can make that something you both can talk about, by teaching him what he needs to know. Maybe let him take over one of your tanks to make it his and let him put whatever fish he wants in, and if he wants to learn the hard way that not all fish can live together, at least he'll learn.
Raechal,
Please beware of this guy. It's one thing irresonsibly buying fish on a splurge. It's quite another to throw them into the driveway out of anger. You were right to get upset at him. This guy has a temper problem and what he did was crazy.
From reading your posts I can tell you're a smart person and obviously able to stand on your own two feet. You have at least 20 more years before you have to worry about not finding someone to be with for the rest of your life, that's only if you want to have kids. That's longer than you've already lived!
I know it is heartbreaking but if you're going to let this guy back into your life make him prove himself over the next month, not the next day or week.
I doubt he will be able to meet your expectations because he won't be getting what he wants all the time, which is complete subservience from you, and it sounds like he is only happy when he gets his own way.... 100% of the time.
The fact that he's not mature enough to at this point offer to return the fish himself and act more responsibly should make you think. He's acting like a three year old hoping that a temper tantrum will get him what he wants... you apologizing and asking him back.
Now that I'm done being your mom I hope all goes well with the fish return today. I hope they improved.
Poor dears. And poor you!
Please beware of this guy. It's one thing irresonsibly buying fish on a splurge. It's quite another to throw them into the driveway out of anger. You were right to get upset at him. This guy has a temper problem and what he did was crazy.
From reading your posts I can tell you're a smart person and obviously able to stand on your own two feet. You have at least 20 more years before you have to worry about not finding someone to be with for the rest of your life, that's only if you want to have kids. That's longer than you've already lived!
I know it is heartbreaking but if you're going to let this guy back into your life make him prove himself over the next month, not the next day or week.
I doubt he will be able to meet your expectations because he won't be getting what he wants all the time, which is complete subservience from you, and it sounds like he is only happy when he gets his own way.... 100% of the time. The fact that he's not mature enough to at this point offer to return the fish himself and act more responsibly should make you think. He's acting like a three year old hoping that a temper tantrum will get him what he wants... you apologizing and asking him back.
Now that I'm done being your mom I hope all goes well with the fish return today. I hope they improved.
Poor dears. And poor you!BigFishSmallPond
Fish Crazy
I disagree entirely. By NOT knocking his teeth down his throat she has already acted maturely. And to compare breaking up with an abusive douche bag to throwing a bag of fish ten feet in the air and allowing it to crash to the ground is ludicrous. And anyone who just lets that go and turns a blind eye on it "for the sake of the relationship" deserves the abuse they get when he freaks out again. This was minor, what happens when something serious occurs? Think about it, kid threw live creatures in a bag in the air and let them smash on the ground cuz he didnt get his own way (hell it was HIS mistake in buying the wrong fish) I cant believe someone would discourage breaking up with him unless that person had battered spouse syndrome or is maybe abusive themself.
Ive lived in abusive evironments all my life and wont even get into it. But take my word if he will harm innocent fish he will harm you.
.02
-ak
Polardbear
Fish Addict
Hey Raechal - how are you doing today? I hope the swordie made it through the night, please let us know how it's doing.
CatLover
Fish Addict
Yea, that was a very low thing for him to do. His actions were inhumane and violent. If he could do that to your fish and not care, then what keeps him from injuring you in the future? Yea, some people do senseless things when they're angry, but 1) he had NO reason to be angry at you if he had any sense at all, and 2) no matter HOW mad you are, hurting a living thing is never right, and there is NO excuse. It's people with his attitude that end up getting thrown in prison and/or going to anger management classes.
Personally, I would throw everything of his, along with his damn "prized possessions" outside, just like he did my fish, lock the doors, and if he tried to get in, I would put a restraining order on him.
Call me crazy, but that man is too low for you. You deserve a LOT better. Hopefully he gives serious thought to his actions and tries to change his life. It's not too late for him, but obviously he is not ready for a relationship - he has the temper of a 2 year old.
Sorry to be so opinionated, but it just blows my mind when people act like him.
Ok, I'm done
Personally, I would throw everything of his, along with his damn "prized possessions" outside, just like he did my fish, lock the doors, and if he tried to get in, I would put a restraining order on him.
Call me crazy, but that man is too low for you. You deserve a LOT better. Hopefully he gives serious thought to his actions and tries to change his life. It's not too late for him, but obviously he is not ready for a relationship - he has the temper of a 2 year old.
Sorry to be so opinionated, but it just blows my mind when people act like him.
Ok, I'm done
BettaMomma
Fish Aficionado
Girl, girl, girl. I'm so very sorry you are going through this. I feel like I'm about to give a speech (well, I kind of am). Although I'm only 30, I've been thru lots of things in my life and I'm a MUCH wiser woman than I was back when I was 17. If you do decide to leave him, you will have some EXTREMELY rough days ahead of you, I can't say that you won't. However, I look back at how I perceived the world when I was only 17 and all I can say is do NOT think that this is the last love you will find. It took me until I was 26 to find mine.
First of all, how are the fishies?
I'm sorry to hear what they've gone through.
He KNOWS you love your fish (we all know that, too
). That's why he threw them. He was going for your most prized posession - and he KNEW in his little fit of rage that it would be the one thing that would upset you the most. He was obviously ticked off because he realized that he had screwed up and didn't want to admit it. It sounds like he has a bit of "not my fault", "never wants to admit he's wrong" syndrome, is that correct?
Now....
If anyone - I don't care WHO it was - intentionally harmed ANY living being in my presence, there would be some hell to pay. I am not really into the whole physical violence thing - I like to attack someone mentally (well, i don't LIKE to attack people, unless they have it coming. Then I enjoy it rather immensely). In this situation, I'd have very neatly folded every shirt, sock, pair of undies, everything - and laid it out by the curb. I'd have even taken his Copperfield newspaper and put it into a ziploc bag and written "FRAGILE" on the bag. Play with his mind - and make him feel as guilty as hell. If that doesn't work, then you've just given him an ultimate test and he didn't pass. Game over for him, then I would say.
Has he picked up his stuff yet?
If he has, this whole approach won't work and I'd have to come up with an alternate plan.
I don't want to say what you should do either way - but as I said - you are so young and you have the largest and most exciting part of your life ahead of you. AND... your fish are obviously a huge part of your life, that's probably not going to change anytime soon. SO, you really do need to base your decisions on things that will be part of your life in the future.
AND... I do have to say - I was really shocked when I read that you're only 17. From your postings, I could have sworn you are in your twenties, at least. You are a very mature young little gal. Very intelligent and mature. I'm pretty sure you'll make the right decision.
First of all, how are the fishies?
I'm sorry to hear what they've gone through.
He KNOWS you love your fish (we all know that, too
). That's why he threw them. He was going for your most prized posession - and he KNEW in his little fit of rage that it would be the one thing that would upset you the most. He was obviously ticked off because he realized that he had screwed up and didn't want to admit it. It sounds like he has a bit of "not my fault", "never wants to admit he's wrong" syndrome, is that correct?Now....
If anyone - I don't care WHO it was - intentionally harmed ANY living being in my presence, there would be some hell to pay. I am not really into the whole physical violence thing - I like to attack someone mentally (well, i don't LIKE to attack people, unless they have it coming. Then I enjoy it rather immensely). In this situation, I'd have very neatly folded every shirt, sock, pair of undies, everything - and laid it out by the curb. I'd have even taken his Copperfield newspaper and put it into a ziploc bag and written "FRAGILE" on the bag. Play with his mind - and make him feel as guilty as hell. If that doesn't work, then you've just given him an ultimate test and he didn't pass. Game over for him, then I would say.
Has he picked up his stuff yet?
If he has, this whole approach won't work and I'd have to come up with an alternate plan.
I don't want to say what you should do either way - but as I said - you are so young and you have the largest and most exciting part of your life ahead of you. AND... your fish are obviously a huge part of your life, that's probably not going to change anytime soon. SO, you really do need to base your decisions on things that will be part of your life in the future.
AND... I do have to say - I was really shocked when I read that you're only 17. From your postings, I could have sworn you are in your twenties, at least. You are a very mature young little gal. Very intelligent and mature. I'm pretty sure you'll make the right decision.
purple_drazi
Fishaholic
BigFishSmallPond has it exactly right:
It's been proven that children who harm animals are much more likely to abuse people when they are older. You wouldn't catch me hanging around any guy who could abuse an animal.
That's a total show stopper.
See this loser for what he is and go find yourself someone Nice!
It's been proven that children who harm animals are much more likely to abuse people when they are older. You wouldn't catch me hanging around any guy who could abuse an animal.
That's a total show stopper.
See this loser for what he is and go find yourself someone Nice!
SMSBrunetteGirl
Fish Crazy
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Poor fish,hope they get better God your boyfriend should be way more responsible than throwing fish out onto the street...
God your boyfriend should be way more responsible than throwing fish out onto the street...smb7676
Fish Fanatic
****FIRST HOW ARE THE FISH **************
####second My advice is given as an outsider I'm trying to be as neutral as possable and see both sides, I hope you make up your own mind based on your heart #######
The guy was 100% wrong!!!!!!!!!! But I think something many of the other post missed was that his house was destroyed in the hurricane. I'm sure there is alot of anger and rage inside. He may not of seen the fish as animals as many people wouldn't eat a dog or cat but have no problem with eating fish. But maybe he saw them as possesions which at this point I'm sure he has some distorted views of.
That said I agree that this isn't healthy for you and also with Bettamomma that physical lasts only as long as it takes to get over the pain but mental will stay with a person on some level for life
I see your feelings on leaving but ..... somethings in life are not easy. It feels even harder because you have been living together and been with each other for 2 yrs.
The decision is yours and yours alone but if you take him back you must must be sure you talk not just about what happened but why it happened. I think in that talk you'll be able to gauge if this was a "I'm on my way to abusive man " or " God I'm going through a hard spot in my life and I F***ed up major can you help me work this out"
Things maybe amped up due to living together. Most teens (hell most 20 and some 30 yr olds) are not ready for the very strange dynamic that goes with living together.
But if you stay together and help him work through this maybe a tank of his own might be nice to get his as a house warming but olny if you think HE HAS SEEN THE ERROR OF HIS WAY !!!!
As others said you may always email or pm me !
Good Luck
####second My advice is given as an outsider I'm trying to be as neutral as possable and see both sides, I hope you make up your own mind based on your heart #######
The guy was 100% wrong!!!!!!!!!! But I think something many of the other post missed was that his house was destroyed in the hurricane. I'm sure there is alot of anger and rage inside. He may not of seen the fish as animals as many people wouldn't eat a dog or cat but have no problem with eating fish. But maybe he saw them as possesions which at this point I'm sure he has some distorted views of.
That said I agree that this isn't healthy for you and also with Bettamomma that physical lasts only as long as it takes to get over the pain but mental will stay with a person on some level for life
I see your feelings on leaving but ..... somethings in life are not easy. It feels even harder because you have been living together and been with each other for 2 yrs.
The decision is yours and yours alone but if you take him back you must must be sure you talk not just about what happened but why it happened. I think in that talk you'll be able to gauge if this was a "I'm on my way to abusive man " or " God I'm going through a hard spot in my life and I F***ed up major can you help me work this out"
Things maybe amped up due to living together. Most teens (hell most 20 and some 30 yr olds) are not ready for the very strange dynamic that goes with living together.
But if you stay together and help him work through this maybe a tank of his own might be nice to get his as a house warming but olny if you think HE HAS SEEN THE ERROR OF HIS WAY !!!!
As others said you may always email or pm me !
Good Luck
I'm really sorry this happened to you, but to be honest, I think you deserve someone much better. Even if he doesn't like fish or thinks they're "just fish", the fact that they mean a lot to you should be significant for him if he truly cares about you. It seems to me that he doesn't respect you and the things that are important to you...
I agree with others regarding animal abuse and violence. I've done some research on this for my law thesis, and most studies say at least 2/3 to 80+5 of homes with animal abuse also has domestic violence.
I agree with others regarding animal abuse and violence. I've done some research on this for my law thesis, and most studies say at least 2/3 to 80+5 of homes with animal abuse also has domestic violence.
pahansen
Fish Fanatic
Hi Raechel. Sorry you're going through all of this stuff. Hopefully I can give you another way of looking at things.
Pretend you're talking to a girlfriend, and she's telling you what she's going through with her boyfriend. Pretend that her boyfriend did something that she thought was horrible, and that she said:
I am sure that you recognize that these are all quotes from you, but be very honest with yourself and try to remove yourself from the emotion of the situation. Based on this one-sided conversation, what advice would you give your girlfriend? What if this were your daughter? Many times we know what advice we would give to other people, but we get too wrapped up in our emotions to do what's best for us. Does your "friend" look like she's in a good relationship? Does it look like both people care about each other equally, or does it look like one is taking advantage of or manipulating the other?
I am not even going to suggest that you are too young to be worried about these things now. I met and started dating my husband when I was 17. It took us about six months to decide that we wanted to get married. We dated through college and have been married nine years this month. We still love each other very much, and now we have a toddler and a baby on the way. I don't think we were too young to know what we were doing, although we certainly made mistakes along the way just like anyone.
One thing I can tell you from experience, though, is this -- dating is as good as it gets. You are both (or should be) on your best behavior because you want to make the other person happy and keep him/her interested in you. You don't have the stresses of everyday life (job, kids, mortgage) to weigh you down, especially at 17. You can spend all of your time together doting on each other, and you can spend all of the time away from each other thinking about that other person. (Although your own "time away" may have suffered a bit from living with him.) In other words, if the person you are dating doesn't meet your standards, it is unlikely that things will get better in the long run. Hoping that the other person will change is how a lot of people end up in unhappy or abusive relationships.
Don't get me wrong when I say this, because I am happily married, but when we were dating my husband treated me like a princess, and not just when he was sorry or when things were "good". Every girl deserves that kind of treatment, because a guy who treats his girlfriend like a princess is likely to be a man who treats his wife well after they are married. [And yes, men, I think that your girlfriend should think of you as Prince Charming, too.] You said, "I don't know what will happen and I am scared no one will ever "love" me anymore. Like I will never find anyone like him (his good side anyway) again." Wouldn't it be worth a little being scared to find someone who will not only love you, but who will treat you like this guy's "good side" all of the time? That's what everyone deserves from their partner, guy or girl.
Okay, enough lecture. I've just been through too many of my friends' divorces to want to see anyone else suffer through bad relationships and marriages. Mom always said, "Don't date anyone you wouldn't marry." If this guy isn't worth spending the rest of your life with and raising dogs/cats/fish/children with, then now is the right time to start looking for the one who is!
Love and good luck,
Pamela
Pretend you're talking to a girlfriend, and she's telling you what she's going through with her boyfriend. Pretend that her boyfriend did something that she thought was horrible, and that she said:
I am sure that you recognize that these are all quotes from you, but be very honest with yourself and try to remove yourself from the emotion of the situation. Based on this one-sided conversation, what advice would you give your girlfriend? What if this were your daughter? Many times we know what advice we would give to other people, but we get too wrapped up in our emotions to do what's best for us. Does your "friend" look like she's in a good relationship? Does it look like both people care about each other equally, or does it look like one is taking advantage of or manipulating the other?
I am not even going to suggest that you are too young to be worried about these things now. I met and started dating my husband when I was 17. It took us about six months to decide that we wanted to get married. We dated through college and have been married nine years this month. We still love each other very much, and now we have a toddler and a baby on the way. I don't think we were too young to know what we were doing, although we certainly made mistakes along the way just like anyone.
One thing I can tell you from experience, though, is this -- dating is as good as it gets. You are both (or should be) on your best behavior because you want to make the other person happy and keep him/her interested in you. You don't have the stresses of everyday life (job, kids, mortgage) to weigh you down, especially at 17. You can spend all of your time together doting on each other, and you can spend all of the time away from each other thinking about that other person. (Although your own "time away" may have suffered a bit from living with him.) In other words, if the person you are dating doesn't meet your standards, it is unlikely that things will get better in the long run. Hoping that the other person will change is how a lot of people end up in unhappy or abusive relationships.
Don't get me wrong when I say this, because I am happily married, but when we were dating my husband treated me like a princess, and not just when he was sorry or when things were "good". Every girl deserves that kind of treatment, because a guy who treats his girlfriend like a princess is likely to be a man who treats his wife well after they are married. [And yes, men, I think that your girlfriend should think of you as Prince Charming, too.
] You said, "I don't know what will happen and I am scared no one will ever "love" me anymore. Like I will never find anyone like him (his good side anyway) again." Wouldn't it be worth a little being scared to find someone who will not only love you, but who will treat you like this guy's "good side" all of the time? That's what everyone deserves from their partner, guy or girl.Okay, enough lecture.
I've just been through too many of my friends' divorces to want to see anyone else suffer through bad relationships and marriages. Mom always said, "Don't date anyone you wouldn't marry." If this guy isn't worth spending the rest of your life with and raising dogs/cats/fish/children with, then now is the right time to start looking for the one who is!Love and good luck,
Pamela
OP
OP
Raechal
Fish Gatherer
Sad to report that the little girl didn't make it through the night. On a happier note, I am VERY proud of my dalmation molly because as soon as I put the injured swordy into the tank she stayed by her 24/7 and NEVER moved. Even when I put food in the tank she wouldn't even budge and anyone who has seen my molly knows she is the pig of the house! Sadly she didn't make it. I am thinking of going to the LFS and picking out one that looked exactly like her and put it with my molly. Poor girl has been alone for a few months now in that 30 gallon because I didn't want to move her into the 120 gallon because she is pregnant.
Anyways about the boyfriend: haven't heard from him since so I don't even know what is going on. All I know is that I am going to go take a shower, get all dressed up, and go to nightschool and just have fun with my friends.
I wish I could reply to what everyone said but that was A LOT of posts since lastnight.
So I would just like to thank you all for replying and giving me advice. I will think about everything you all said before I do anything.
Anyways about the boyfriend: haven't heard from him since so I don't even know what is going on. All I know is that I am going to go take a shower, get all dressed up, and go to nightschool and just have fun with my friends.
I wish I could reply to what everyone said but that was A LOT of posts since lastnight.
So I would just like to thank you all for replying and giving me advice. I will think about everything you all said before I do anything. 
pica_nuttalli
don't be a twit
sorry to hear the swordtail didn't make it.
just remember that no matter what you decide, we've got your back. no one can make this decision but you. as your friends, we are here to support you.
oh, and pahansen makes excellent points.
just remember that no matter what you decide, we've got your back. no one can make this decision but you. as your friends, we are here to support you.
oh, and pahansen makes excellent points.
OP
OP
Raechal
Fish Gatherer
Everyone made an excellent point IMO. Today is much better! My molly decided to give birth today! 
I only see two baby fry...but she is still chubby so I don't know. The crazy thing is...as soon as I put the swordy in there with her she must have gave birth? 
And what is even crazier...one of the fry appears to be gold like the pineapple swordy. Maybe I am just going crazy, but who knows. The father of the fry is orange so maybe I will get a molly that looks like my poor swordy that died. 
I'm going to go check on them. Should I scoop them up and put them in a breeding net or let them grow in the main tank? The only thing big enough to eat them is the mom.
I only see two baby fry...but she is still chubby so I don't know. The crazy thing is...as soon as I put the swordy in there with her she must have gave birth? And what is even crazier...one of the fry appears to be gold like the pineapple swordy. Maybe I am just going crazy, but who knows. The father of the fry is orange so maybe I will get a molly that looks like my poor swordy that died. I'm going to go check on them. Should I scoop them up and put them in a breeding net or let them grow in the main tank? The only thing big enough to eat them is the mom.Similar threads
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