Anyone Ever Got Divorced And Left Kids?

[simonas]

i hope you dont leave mate my mum and dad are devorced when i was 5 im 13 now and i hate it everyday i wish i could just have my dad there i hate travelling away to his house 1hour away for the weekend to see my dad step mum and step brother and then back home its a terrible thing i would rather have no fishtanks no christmas presants and have my mum and dad back together

sorry to hear about that and its interesting to hear you say that as its the thought of how the kids would react that worries me a lot

I;ve decided to stay anyway and work hard at making it work

The basics are there we love each other a lot and get on really well but on the flipside when we argue its always in a major way!

 

[XFiSh_CichildX]

yeaa good stuff mate i thought that would of helped on how the kids will feel its not only you and your wife getting divorced its there mum and dad falling out and its hard not being able to say mum and dad in the same sentance cus they are devorced and obvisly dont see each other so when i go into school and i hear my mum and did got me this i say my mum got me this for christmas and then my dad got me that and everyones like why dont they get u it together and then i have to explain but these days its a common thing but i do get very emotional over it and then if i feel sad i think im a wimp and all sorts goes through my head why did they get devorced was it my fault was it my mum or dads fault who to blame ahhhhhhhhh.


glads yous are staying together

 

[Bignose]

I;ve decided to stay anyway and work hard at making it work

This is the best news to come out of this thread.

Normally, I'm not so preachy, but since it was asked in the thread, I'm going to do it -- I'm going to write out my feelings on this issue as it is something I feel pretty strongly about:

I disagree with the majority of the responses in this thread. Once you have kids, one's own personal well being is secondary to the well-being of the kids until those children are adults. And, I'm sorry, but kids are better off with 2 parents than one. Unless there is abuse going on, if both adults can pretend to be civil to one another, the kids will be far better off than if they see a parent only the weekend.

If you need strength to live together, both of you should focus on providing the children with a stable household until they are 18. Sleep and live in separate bedrooms. Live next door if it has to come to that -- but it is really important that children have models of what responsible adults are like in their life.

Boys need to grow up with a strong male model to learn how a man should act. Such as fulfilling the responsibilities they have accepted. Girls need to grow up with a strong male model in order to know how a man treats a woman. These are the important things a father does. These things do not get ingrained over a few hours each weekend. They take years of bonding as the children mature.

And the above doesn't even cover the typical stuff that happens with children of divorce -- the parents disagreeing on discipline, the parents trying to one-up each other to be "the cool parent", and then all-too-often one or both remarries and either introduces step siblings or make new children effectively telling the old children they are less important. Etc. Etc.

Maybe your situation will be different. But statistically speaking, it won't.

It is my opinion that if she is willing to try again -- whether it is the 3rd time or the 333rd time -- I think your responsibility to the children says you try again. At the barest minimum, come to an agreement as adults to be civil with one another for the next 13 years until the last one is 18. Fulfill your responsibility as a parent. For every decision, ask "what outcome is best for the kids". And, since you are going to try again, may I suggest not to have another one until things have stabilized for quite some time.

 

[walkers101]

I have been with my partner nearly 3 years and at points in our relationship it has sounded exact the same as you and you have hit the nail on the head

i know it sounds awful but the kids do get in the way and its down to not having one on one time when our kids go away for a weekend its like being teenagers and courting all over again

try and get structured break times away from the kids and i dont mean at work i mean organise nights out just you and the mrs even if it means by getting a babysitter

i have split for a few weeks and it just doesnt work and its not healthy for anyone especially the kids.

 

[jaylam]

This is just my input and im not saying it's right for your situation.

I livied with my ex (no children) for 9 years and all we done was argue all the time. We had 2 or 3 breaks before I decided to leave, it was the best thing I have ever done. I left and had a year of being single, travelling and doing as I pleased.

If I had not of left my ex I would not have found my current wife who is my sole mate (cue the sick bucket) and have my gorgeous little girl.

If you at home and unhappy the kids will pick up on it and their time with you will not be as cherished but if your apart and happy then the time they spend with you will be more memorable and enjoyable.

For the sake of the children have you tried going with your wife and talking to a pro about the relationship to see if something can be saved before making a decision, if your considering leaving anyway then its got to be worth one last try.

 

[simonas]

For the sake of the children have you tried going with your wife and talking to a pro about the relationship to see if something can be saved before making a decision, if your considering leaving anyway then its got to be worth one last try.

Thats exactly what I am doing mate giving it a shot and doing the counselling that she wanted us to do

 

[jaylam]

For the sake of the children have you tried going with your wife and talking to a pro about the relationship to see if something can be saved before making a decision, if your considering leaving anyway then its got to be worth one last try.

Thats exactly what I am doing mate giving it a shot and doing the counselling that she wanted us to do

Good man, imo thats the last shot. Things wont change straight away but I would say if things are no better after the counselling say 3 months down the line then move on.

 

[JoshuaA]

I'm 20 and my parents divorced/separated when I was around 13 it was probably the hardest time in my life so far it dwarfs anything else that has happened.

It was made harder by the fact my dad went to live abroad, I instantly lost contact with my dad for around a year until I managed to find it out by myself as I didn't have the courage to ask my mother which may upset her. I started emailing him and then the next thing I found out he had moved from Hungary to China, I went to visit him when I was 14 on my own. It was hard work but it felt right, my brother on the other hand has seen him once in the past 7/8 years and hates him for leaving us. I found out a lot about why the marriage broke down when I was just too young and then because my mind was of the thinking type I started being a detective I found more out as I went along and ended up finding out my Dad had moved to China with someone who had a daughter... I knew it... and it took him 2 years to tell me which is what hurt. A few visits here and there to China to see him and he eventually told me he was going to marry her and he wanted to be the best man. I said yes but later I found out I couldn't as I had A level exams.

The hardest part of all of that was... I couldn't tell ANYONE because I had no idea who knew what, to make it even worse to this day I don't know what my brother or mother know and I find it hard telling anyone within close proximity of my family anything about my Dads life. I'm in limbo and stuck in the middle, I have an entire side of the family now who favour my brother much more purely because I wanted to have a relationship with my father.

It has got to be the most agonising thing about the whole process was how do you know, what you know is or isn't bad. Should you tell, should you ask? You don't know, you don't know what to do because you don't want it to make things worse. This is all from the child's perspective.

For you to take the step and go to counselling is great in my eyes, I feel my father jumped the gun too soon and saw a get out path and bailed. The second worst thing out my up bringing is I had no father figure to look up to yet I knew someone else 4,000 miles away had my father to talk to.

 

[Lyra0727]

I just want to say, Im glad you are going to councling and working things out. I'm 18 and my parents divorced when I was 2. At that time I also had a 15 year old brother and a 18 year old sister they were careing for when they did so they didnt much worry about me but worried about how they would react. Thing is I remember more than either of them do. Worst part was not only did if affect the family I lived with but it affected my dads side of the family.

After the divorce I was the only child of his visiting his side of the family because my brother and sister felt they blamed them for my parents breaking up. I on the other hand didnt see an issue with them being apart as long as they were happy because I still got to spend time with them both. It's only hard if your not around.. A year before my dad died I only got to see him once and that was on my birthday. Since then until last year I was in a bad depression regreating not spending more time with him and not trying to get my parents back together. After investigating I found out the truth which made me very upset with both my father and my step mother because truth was he was cheating on my mom with my step mother. Eventually I forgave him knowing more about what he was truly like.. Still a wonderful father but a horrible husband. (and theres lots more to the story but to much to post)

So it isnt the same as your situation but still, so many different things can happen when parents divorce. Maybe not right away but as they got older like I did. But seeing people like you trying to work it out makes me happy because you both are working for it. Love is never easy, but worth it in the end

 

[Carp4U]

Leave her, better for the kids that you split and not argue, than stay together and argue. Spoken from a Divorce Stricken Child....

I'd say I agree- I'm also a divorce stricken child, still suffering due to financial/maintenance money conflicts 3.5 years later despite them both having new partners (my mums getting married next week). By all means try to fix your relationship as much as you can, but when it's not working, then DON'T stay for the sake of the kids. I'm better off now because of my parents splitting up in my opinion. I've become a maturer, grown-up, stronger and more confident person as a result.

 

[Paradise3]

Obviously I can't say my opinion on whether you should leave or not as I'm only 14 but I will say that if you leave, make sure you keep in touch with your kids. I've not had a dad for all 14 years of my life, nearly 15, and it has affected me badly. He and my mum broke up before I was born. All I only know his name and that he married someone else and now has a kid.

 

[simonas]

Obviously I can't say my opinion on whether you should leave or not as I'm only 14 but I will say that if you leave, make sure you keep in touch with your kids. I've not had a dad for all 14 years of my life, nearly 15, he and my mum broke up before I was born. All I only know his name and that he married someone else and now has a kid.

there would never be a risk of that I am a very happy dad and love my kids more than anything in the world!!

 

[Paradise3]

Obviously I can't say my opinion on whether you should leave or not as I'm only 14 but I will say that if you leave, make sure you keep in touch with your kids. I've not had a dad for all 14 years of my life, nearly 15, and it's affected me badly. He and my mum broke up before I was born. All I only know his name and that he married someone else and now has a kid.

there would never be a risk of that I am a very happy dad and love my kids more than anything in the world!!

Good because like I said, it's affected me very badly. You sound like a good father, unlike mine. Oh well, guess you can't miss something you don't have.

 

[Ps3Steveo]

Dude I've been in this situation before and if you love her and she loves you then there's always hope. I find going back to the beginning helps a lot, think about why you love each other and all the little things that made the two of you a perfect match to begin with. A special song or something the two of you shared that meant so much you wouldn't find it anywhere else and if it helps both of you then its something you have to hold on too. If that doesn't work for you or doesn't bring back those strong feelings that make you wanna just walk up to her and give her a cuddle and say we'll sort it out don't worry (providing she feels the same that is) and if the councling doesn't work theres not much you can do and can't help how you feel. Honestly when your at logger heads and having a bad one all the time its better if that doesn't keep going on as one day the kids may see it and its not a pretty site for kids.