Your favourite jokes

[Rocky998]

 

[WhistlingBadger]

We ate some free-range chicken the other day. It came from a bird that ran free around someone's ranch, living the good life, treated like a pet, given every possible consideration right up until the moment they whacked it.

It tasted surprised.

 

[CaptainBarnicles]

We ate some free-range chicken the other day. It came from a bird that ran free around someone's ranch, living the good life, treated like a pet, given every possible consideration right up until the moment they whacked it.

It tasted surprised.

*Wah wah wah waaaaaah * sad trombone

 

[SomethingsFishy24]

Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

Bada bum!

 

[WhistlingBadger]

Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn't habanero.

Bada bum!

Go to your room.

 

[SomethingsFishy24]

Four fathers are waiting in the hospital for the birth of their children.

Nurse comes to father #1 and says: "Congratulations, you have twins."

He says: "Wow, what a coincidence, I work for the Minnesota Twins."

Nurse comes to father #2 and says:
"Congratulations, you have triplets"

He says "Wow, what a coincidence, I work at 3M"

Nurse comes to father #3 and says:
"Congratulations, you have quadruplets"

He says" Wow, what a coincidence, I work at Four Seasons"

Father #4 gives a startled sound " No, it can't be!"

Nurse asks "What is wrong?"

Father #4 "I work for 7up."

Now I am going to my room.

 

[Oblio]

Four fathers are waiting in the hospital for the birth of their children.

Nurse comes to father #1 and says: "Congratulations, you have twins."

He says: "Wow, what a coincidence, I work for the Minnesota Twins."

Nurse comes to father #2 and says:
"Congratulations, you have triplets"

He says "Wow, what a coincidence, I work at 3M"

Nurse comes to father #3 and says:
"Congratulations, you have quadruplets"

He says" Wow, what a coincidence, I work at Four Seasons"

Father #4 gives a startled sound " No, it can't be!"

Nurse asks "What is wrong?"

Father #4 "I work for 7up."

Now I am going to my room.

Could be worse for the father who worked for Heinz

 

[WhistlingBadger]

That reminds me of a story a highway patrolman once told me. He had pulled over a minivan driven by an old farmer, with his wife riding shotgun and a couple kids in the backseat. The car had been going 35 miles per hour in a 60 zone, which is usually a sign that something is wrong.

The first thing he noticed was that the lady and kids were acting a bit strangely. Their eyes were really big, and all of them had a white-knuckle hold on the arm rests. The farmer, on the other hand, seemed completely relaxed. "What seems to be the problem, officer?"

"Well," the patrolman said, "the speed limit is 60 here, and you were only going 35. Is everything OK?"

"Yes, sir, everything's fine, but you're mistaken. The speed limit is 35. It says so on the sign right back there."

The patrolman glanced at the sign, then laughed. "Oh, I see. Well, sir, what the sign says is that this is State Highway 35. But I do know that you're allowed to go 60."

The farmer was obviously pleased at this, but the lady and kids still looked terrified, so the cop asked, "Ma'am, kids, are you all OK?"

"Fine, now," the lady said. "But see, we just got off Interstate 180..."

 

[Rocky998]

That reminds me of a story a highway patrolman once told me. He had pulled over a minivan driven by an old farmer, with his wife riding shotgun and a couple kids in the backseat. The car had been going 35 miles per hour in a 60 zone, which is usually a sign that something is wrong.

The first thing he noticed was that the lady and kids were acting a bit strangely. Their eyes were really big, and all of them had a white-knuckle hold on the arm rests. The farmer, on the other hand, seemed completely relaxed. "What seems to be the problem, officer?"

"Well," the patrolman said, "the speed limit is 60 here, and you were only going 35. Is everything OK?"

"Yes, sir, everything's fine, but you're mistaken. The speed limit is 35. It says so on the sign right back there."

The patrolman glanced at the sign, then laughed. "Oh, I see. Well, sir, what the sign says is that this is State Highway 35. But I do know that you're allowed to go 60."

The farmer was obviously pleased at this, but the lady and kids still looked terrified, so the cop asked, "Ma'am, kids, are you all OK?"

"Fine, now," the lady said. "But see, we just got off Interstate 180..."

Oml

 

[Oblio]

That reminds me of a story a highway patrolman once told me. He had pulled over a minivan driven by an old farmer, with his wife riding shotgun and a couple kids in the backseat. The car had been going 35 miles per hour in a 60 zone, which is usually a sign that something is wrong.

The first thing he noticed was that the lady and kids were acting a bit strangely. Their eyes were really big, and all of them had a white-knuckle hold on the arm rests. The farmer, on the other hand, seemed completely relaxed. "What seems to be the problem, officer?"

"Well," the patrolman said, "the speed limit is 60 here, and you were only going 35. Is everything OK?"

"Yes, sir, everything's fine, but you're mistaken. The speed limit is 35. It says so on the sign right back there."

The patrolman glanced at the sign, then laughed. "Oh, I see. Well, sir, what the sign says is that this is State Highway 35. But I do know that you're allowed to go 60."

The farmer was obviously pleased at this, but the lady and kids still looked terrified, so the cop asked, "Ma'am, kids, are you all OK?"

"Fine, now," the lady said. "But see, we just got off Interstate 180..."

Wait for it ...

 

[Back in the fold]

Highway patrolman pulls a guy over for speeding and comes up to the guys window. Cop asks the guy if he knew the speed limit and his wife pipes up with " he saw the sign and said that was too slow ". At that the guy says to her " shut up will ya ". Then the cop says to the guy "do you have a license and insurance ?". The wife pipes up with " he let the insurance go months ago and he never has had a license". The guy then yells at her "I thought I told you to shut up !". Cop comes over to her window and asks "Ma'am , does he talk to you like that all the time ?". The wife then says "only when he's been drinking".

 

[Rocky998]

 

[Back in the fold]

A guy is walking down the beach and stumbles over something sticking up out of the sand . Looking down he sees that it's an old glass bottle and he digs it out. He starts polishing it up thinking he could pawn it and get some money. Suddenly the cork pops out of the bottle and a big cloud of green smoke bellows forth revealing a Genie. The Genie is mad ! " I just get settled down in my bottle looking to have some time to myself and some joker comes along and conjures me up . You think you get three wishes ? No ! I'm not in the mood today , you only get one so make it good". Well , the guy is all flustered and scared but he finally makes his one wish. "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I have a thing about airplanes. I'm petrified of flying. Same with ships. I'm scared to death of water. So , I wish for a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there". The Genie looks at him dumbfounded and says "you're out of your mind ! Do you have any idea at all what that would take ? The engineering and the materials are out of this world . No ! Think of something else". So the guy says "OK , I've always been unlucky in love . I wish for the knowledge of women. I want to know all about them. Why they laugh , why they cry , what they really want". The Genie looks at him a long time and finally asks " do you want that bridge two lanes or four ?".

 

[Rocky998]

A guy is walking down the beach and stumbles over something sticking up out of the sand . Looking down he sees that it's an old glass bottle and he digs it out. He starts polishing it up thinking he could pawn it and get some money. Suddenly the cork pops out of the bottle and a big cloud of green smoke bellows forth revealing a Genie. The Genie is mad ! " I just get settled down in my bottle looking to have some time to myself and some joker comes along and conjures me up . You think you get three wishes ? No ! I'm not in the mood today , you only get one so make it good". Well , the guy is all flustered and scared but he finally makes his one wish. "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I have a thing about airplanes. I'm petrified of flying. Same with ships. I'm scared to death of water. So , I wish for a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there". The Genie looks at him dumbfounded and says "you're out of your mind ! Do you have any idea at all what that would take ? The engineering and the materials are out of this world . No ! Think of something else". So the guy says "OK , I've always been unlucky in love . I wish for the knowledge of women. I want to know all about them. Why they laugh , why they cry , what they really want". The Genie looks at him a long time and finally asks " do you want that bridge two lanes or four ?".

Oh my goodness

 

[AmyKieran]

A guy is walking down the beach and stumbles over something sticking up out of the sand . Looking down he sees that it's an old glass bottle and he digs it out. He starts polishing it up thinking he could pawn it and get some money. Suddenly the cork pops out of the bottle and a big cloud of green smoke bellows forth revealing a Genie. The Genie is mad ! " I just get settled down in my bottle looking to have some time to myself and some joker comes along and conjures me up . You think you get three wishes ? No ! I'm not in the mood today , you only get one so make it good". Well , the guy is all flustered and scared but he finally makes his one wish. "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I have a thing about airplanes. I'm petrified of flying. Same with ships. I'm scared to death of water. So , I wish for a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there". The Genie looks at him dumbfounded and says "you're out of your mind ! Do you have any idea at all what that would take ? The engineering and the materials are out of this world . No ! Think of something else". So the guy says "OK , I've always been unlucky in love . I wish for the knowledge of women. I want to know all about them. Why they laugh , why they cry , what they really want". The Genie looks at him a long time and finally asks " do you want that bridge two lanes or four ?".

That one’s hilarious lol my wife didn’t find it too amusing but I did