Politeness

[bordercollie05]

I haven't been around this forum for a real long time, but I've really enjoyed the information I've gathered here. It's been soooo helpful in setting up my tank.

However, it seems like some people are a little too direct. I was a bit intimidated at first and almost quit using the forum. It's very overwhelming to begin this hobby, as all of you know. There's so much information. And while most of the time people are just giving advice, it sometimes comes off as pushy I think, or maybe slightly arrogant to the new members.

Secondly, people on this forum are very quick to judge and name call. Not everyone, but a good share. I know this will always happen in this world, but it seems like we could make a big difference by changing our attitudes just a bit.

I'm simple suggesting that before you post something, think about how it may sound when it is only text being read by a stranger.

Again, I love this forum and there are many many great, friendly, willing-to-help people here. I wouldn't have a clue what I was doing with my fish without it.

 

[helterskelter]

I totally agree with you, some people think they know every thing and are very bullish with it this is what's put me off this forum.
But you cant control people or your just as bad, the problem is a lot are kids who think they know every thing from reading a book, but sadly fish cant read so things are so simple.

I've only been keeping fish for 21 tears and breeding them for 18 or so of them.

 

[jeej]

I haven't been around this forum for a real long time, but I've really enjoyed the information I've gathered here. It's been soooo helpful in setting up my tank.

However, it seems like some people are a little too direct. I was a bit intimidated at first and almost quit using the forum. It's very overwhelming to begin this hobby, as all of you know. There's so much information. And while most of the time people are just giving advice, it sometimes comes off as pushy I think, or maybe slightly arrogant to the new members.

Secondly, people on this forum are very quick to judge and name call. Not everyone, but a good share. I know this will always happen in this world, but it seems like we could make a big difference by changing our attitudes just a bit.

I'm simple suggesting that before you post something, think about how it may sound when it is only text being read by a stranger.

Again, I love this forum and there are many many great, friendly, willing-to-help people here. I wouldn't have a clue what I was doing with my fish without it.

In the defence of the advice givers, it is hard to put it any other way some times. If you come on a forum and say "I put 30 guppies in a 10gal tank and now I'm overrun with algae and they are all dying", there isn't many ways to say "you are vastly overstocked, your fish are stressed and producing far too much waste for such a small tank. Get rid of 25 of them and read the stickies in the newbie forum".

 

[willroo]

Hello I'm a member on a few forums and each one has the same problem.

The problem is that when people post replies it is sometimes hard to word it correctly and also depends on how the reader reads into the message.

Then there are the posts that ARE very to the point and are offensive, Don't take it to heart as there will be more positive replies than negative.


Will

 

[cheesy feet]

You can't change people.I do 'to the point' posts usually.If you take offence to posts which state the facts then theres something wrong with you (i'm not actually replying to any of you here, just saying what I think ), most the time you have got to be firm so people actually heed the advise.I know of some threads where someone has took the time to write out a long and detailed explanation and then the OP wll reply something to indicate he couldn't be botherd reading it.I know this sounds harsh but some people come on here expecting too much.

 

[PlecMama]

Oh I don't know that you have to be firm about it, if the question is can I keep my common plec is a fishbowl, the answer is no, but it's better to say The answer is no because... I think people do better with an explanation instead of a smack on the nose.


I myself (and this is my post on the topic, not a reply to anyone elses) like to know why I am doing, or not doing, something. If the answer is no, why is it no? what will happen if I do it? Post that say things like "That's so stupid" are probably not helpful to most people.

But it's also so hard to know HOW people are saying things, I have been offended by posts on one of my other boards at times, that I have gone back and read the next day and they didn't seem anywhere near as harsh as when I first read them, as Willroo said, sometimes the fault lies with the reader as well as the writer.

If someone puts up a post that is blatantly rude, report it, if the person speaking sounds a bit harsh, maybe leave it for now and read it again later in a different frame of mind. 9/10 times if the reply was really downright rude, other people will have stepped in to defend you or chastise them on your behalf by the time you come back to it. However, if every one is saying the same thing, maybe you should listen to them, however they are saying it


I try to add smilies if I read what I have written and it could be misinterpreted, that was they can see that I meant it in good faith or tongue in cheek.

 

[Azaezl]

I try to add smilies if I read what I have written and it could be misinterpreted, that was they can see that I meant it in good faith or tongue in cheek.

I do this as well, it makes it alot easier to interpret how someone is saying something. Also as previously mentioned if you explain things(even a tiny bit and point them in the direction of relevant information) rather then just putting a simple yes, no, your wrong, etc then it helps people alot more.

For example if someone posted;

I suggest you take all your fish back,cycle the tank and read the newbie pinned topics

that may come across as a bit blunt and harsh, esp. if your a little bit nervous and need help(I don't think it is but I'm tougher then alot of people ),

wheras the same post with a little more detail and a few smilies can be alot more friendly;

I suggest you take your fish back as I'm afriad your tank isn't ready for them yet, alot of people make the same mistake but it's not the end of the world If you take a look at the pinned topics under the new to the hobby section it should help with alot of questions you may have, if you have any questions you can't find the answers to then feel free to post them. Your tank needs to cycle before you add fish, you can cycle with fish in the tank but it's not very nice for them, so if you can take them back that would be for the best

HTH

A few extra words and some smilies can make alot of difference in the tone of the post. I went through a phase of posting and trying to help people but got disheartned by a few people who basically ignored the advice of me and others. I still post now and again, just not as much and certainly not in a nasty way. I didn't let it get to me, I'm not going to turn into one of those miserable people with an attitude problem who flames anyone and everyone given half the chance, life's too short to be grumpy all the time

 

[poopsydrew]

I agree with you suzie, thats just the problem with the internet is tone and how your saying something.

Best just to give the person the benefit of the doubt or just ignore it if you felt it was blunt, were all just a bunch of fish nerds on a forum anyway.

Drew

 

[Bignose]

The flip side is that it happens fairly often that someone pops in, ignores all the well-meaning advice because they already knew everything, and then doesn't understand why their fish all died a week later. Some people are going to be more empathetic than others, and some people are going to be more passionate about fish than others. If one feels that the fish are experiencing cruel conditions, then one if going to be more forceful or direct about their advice. You are going to be direct and forceful to make sure the message is driven home.

The two sides overlap. Some people are going to take offense, others are going to like the direct straightforward advice.

The big thing, to me, is to always explain why things are wrong. I don't like just writing "I suggest you take all your fish back,cycle the tank and read the newbie pinned topics" because it isn't explaining what is happening. If you explained how the fish waste, ammonia, is going to poison and kill the fish until a large enough ammonia-consuming bacterial colony grows, then the person you are giving advice to understand why you are saying what you are saying, and not just being ordered around.

Take the time to explain why -- don't just direct people to links because people won't click on links very often. I find that copying and pasting from the link is much more effective.

 

[pica_nuttalli]

and, of course, there's the issue that we've got several hundred regular posters and probably several thousand people that visit casually. i think we do pretty good, all considering.

in my experience, the worst offenders in terms of "bluntness" are Andywg and younger teens who are fairly new to the hobby Since Andy doesn't really frequent newbie threads and actually gives wonderful, intelligent advice (IMO)... I suspect that the people you're having the most trouble from are in the younger teen category.

I remember that I used to just get intensely frustrated with the posters that would jump all over someone for making an honest mistake or would call all sorts of names for a relatively insignificant infraction, when the actual advice given was pretty crap. And once I realized that the unifying factor was age, it helped me to not care so much. I'm not so far past being a teenager that I can't remember what a know-it-all it makes you After that recognition, another item fell into place for me: unless someone's calling you names or being ironic at you, odds are good that they just aren't sugarcoating. I'll never forget the time a fairly new member got her nose in a twist at Sylvia for not being effusive. I confess that I got into a twist right back at her, but that's because Sylvia is one of the most patient experts I've ever seen. She's babysat so many absolute newbies that it's ridiculous, all while being incredibly calm, factual and neutral. I'm not saying that everyone's like this, but it helps to pretend.

As has been pointed out by many others, tone over the internet is pretty much whatever you want to make it. So I suggest trying to assume the best and asking yourself some hard questions on those occasions where you've assumed the worst.

 

[CFC]

Hey! I'm actually upset that i didnt get a mention there, I must be getting soft in my old age

 

[Azaezl]

Hey! I'm actually upset that i didnt get a mention there, I must be getting soft in my old age

CFC is a meany too! Don't worry being soft isn't a bad thing

 

[PlecMama]

Is CFC ever rude to anyone? proof, I demand proof! link me to that post!

Anyway, it's not soft and old age, it's mellowing and tolerance. Ah the pure joy of being WAY past the 30 mark. Now we can wear stupid hats when it rains and no one looks at you funny.

 

[pica_nuttalli]

Hey! I'm actually upset that i didnt get a mention there, I must be getting soft in my old age

sorry, CFC; didn't mean to offend you just don't put the same flourish on being deliberately antagonistic. you're actually just blunt. it's certain others *coughcough*have you seen brackish lately*coughcough* that move from being blunt and authoritative to being flat out impolite.

i stand by my categorization: rude members can be divided into "people in their 30s who like monster fish" and "young teens that don't know no better"

 

[andywg]

in my experience, the worst offenders in terms of "bluntness" are Andywg

What have I done? I take offence at this and shall now post about how mean everyone is to me!

Since Andy doesn't really frequent newbie threads and actually gives wonderful, intelligent advice (IMO)

Okay, maybe I will let your earlier transgression slip past...

sorry, CFC; didn't mean to offend you just don't put the same flourish on being deliberately antagonistic.

Is this aimed at me again? Where on earth has this rep come from?